tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post3780917495812787517..comments2024-02-11T03:39:05.836-05:00Comments on still life with circles: friendsstill life angiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15150141781089602529noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-16090078538129527882011-08-15T11:32:47.943-04:002011-08-15T11:32:47.943-04:00I'm finding myself exiting friendships volunta...I'm finding myself exiting friendships voluntarily at this point (8 months out). Some of them are supportive and some of them aren't. <br /><br />I'm also afraid that if they really knew what losing my son has done to me emotionally and socially, I wouldn't be the kind of friend they'd want anyway. It's a way to reverse the rejection I simply cannot handle. <br /><br />I don't miss them. I miss Andrew. I miss ME. I miss being carefree. But I don't miss them. It's perhaps quite awful and selfish to say, but I cannot think past my grief still.B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17479551028143520755noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-86956644709248043862011-08-13T02:42:46.434-04:002011-08-13T02:42:46.434-04:00yes.yes.Crystal Theresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00625023659539634939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-10682762709948022092011-08-11T14:19:20.353-04:002011-08-11T14:19:20.353-04:00We had been through a really tough year before Lau...We had been through a really tough year before Laura died. It kind of helped because there was a core of really good, supportive friends already in place when our world turned upside down. It also helped because I had already lost a big chunk of my 'coping' pride and was able to call on people, to cry with people, to just be with them.<br /><br />We did lose our oldest friends, weirdly, and not because we were too sad, but because we didn't need them enough when we were sad. I certainly didn't see that one coming. And it has been my choice to not make up, despite their efforts, because I know making up would mean pretending the fall out didn't happen. I can't do pretend anymore. I won't.<br /><br />Much love to you.Louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12768707723539793390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-76305601951527966902011-08-10T07:30:11.249-04:002011-08-10T07:30:11.249-04:00arriving at this place of missing my friends was a...arriving at this place of missing my friends was a journey. the important friends ended formally where they told me these things about how I was grieving too much, or too sad, or too angry. And we generally left the friendship with "no hard feelings but". Some others drifted away and I have reached out over and over without hearing from them. at some point, i had to say, the ball is in your court. so, i am at the point where I have reached out to everyone I can reach out to, and see very few people.still life angiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15150141781089602529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-91968167057652987582011-08-10T07:22:40.540-04:002011-08-10T07:22:40.540-04:00I am there with you. I understand your grief and b...I am there with you. I understand your grief and being a bad friend because of it. I lost some friends because of my grief, but the important ones are still supporting me. Other friends, I think, are just waiting for me to come out of it. I like to think we are taking a break while I deal with my shit (which is taking forever in my case because I am suffering secondary infertility). Now that you feel better, maybe you should reach out to some of those old friends that you still feel like being friends with (I know some are not worth it). hugsFranciscahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06906704416048827050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-17158465826960502782011-08-10T02:18:24.721-04:002011-08-10T02:18:24.721-04:00I am so thankful you wrote this post. I do miss my...I am so thankful you wrote this post. I do miss my friends, but have come to the realization that the ones who are gone are gone for a reason. Not the same thing as everything happens for a reason, but more so that death sped up the process. I didn't have a single person tell me goodbye or anything like that and in a way that sort of pisses me off because I didn't get to tell them off as I would have loved to do. Is that wrong? I think I would prefer the big confrontational event rather than just realizing people have abandoned you with absolutely zero explanation. It's hard to be angry when they never gave you a reason why, but yet you know why and that's a really sad thing.Missyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17215595176820577303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-18869996074602475832011-08-09T02:17:36.126-04:002011-08-09T02:17:36.126-04:00oh this post, yep, so much. I felt like the people...oh this post, yep, so much. I felt like the people I would have depended on with my LIFE just evaporated (yet other people I wouldn't have thought twice about came crawling out with helpful ears). And yeah, I kinda sat and waited too, because I didn't know what else to do<br /><br />I likened it all to being in a room with really greasy dirty windows and every so often something big and upheavy happens that squirts Windolene on those windows and gives them a good scrub. So you truly see what and who is around you, no illusions, no carryover from the 'past'<br /><br />I still can't get past the desertion of some of those people. We are still in contact, sporadically, and I don't know if they see our 'friendship' as having changed since 2 years ago, but I most certainly do.<br /><br />No going back, but I have no room in my life/heart for fairweather friends. You're either there, next to me, or you're in the periphery with everyone else. Seeing me through the clean windowStinkyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15656595158457726802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-71269044664355160762011-08-08T17:58:30.956-04:002011-08-08T17:58:30.956-04:00I have one really, really good friend who has stuc...I have one really, really good friend who has stuck by me, every ugly, difficult step of the way - and I'm grateful because it turns out, that really was all I needed. As with Sally, I don't miss the others because they come so much lower on my people to miss than my daughter. And, a little differently from you and other dbms whose blogs I read, I really did do the running. I have friends who tried so hard to be there, friends who said the right things and did the right things and I was so jealous of their intact lives that I became a hermit. How profligate was I? To waste what truly is gold dust in our world of loss.Fireflyforeverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15290560217994184778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-25674690716103493352011-08-08T14:54:17.189-04:002011-08-08T14:54:17.189-04:00yes, to all of this. and now i'm e-mailing th...yes, to all of this. and now i'm e-mailing this link to my closest friends. because i want to believe you when you say i'll be human again someday, but i'm not quite there yet.Brookehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05946311309467296976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-6525175304301595302011-08-08T13:07:39.250-04:002011-08-08T13:07:39.250-04:00I love the description the exotic city of my past...I love the description <i> the exotic city of my past lives </i> I think I know what you mean, I often dream that I am still there.<br /><br />Nodding along to so much for what you have written here, being afraid of the phone and being so terribly, painfully, easily hurt. I was sensitive before this happened but now I am sensitive to the point of pathology. Not a great quality when it comes to human interaction.<br /><br />Quite a few of my friend disappeared, immediately after she died, and then reappeared, six months down the line, as though nothing had happened. To this day, we have still never exchanged a single word about the baby who died. Although we would still meet for coffee and talk jibber jabber. Strange really.<br /><br /><i>That my entire theological and emotional basis was contingent of everything working out in my favor.</i> Mine was too I think. But how could we have known? <br /><br />Wonderful memo. Perhaps, as Hanen says, try sending a letter. I'm sure that those friends miss you too.Catherine Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01618295389400457254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-32756833567804175482011-08-08T09:50:26.820-04:002011-08-08T09:50:26.820-04:00Oh Ang, I love this post. And the one before that....Oh Ang, I love this post. And the one before that. <br /><br />A stranger was asking many questions of me last night, mostly about my daughters. Truly honest and sincere questions, and I felt myself going mute, giving only the barest of answers. Crazy how when you shut yourself down, guard your soul, how hard it is to reopen it. <br /><br />And the letter, crazy but I feel I like wrote that letter. Almost those exact same words to an old friend who became pregnant just as our last IVF failed, begging for clemency for all of the dicky things I would probably do/say/not do. She never responded. I never wrote back. That was the last time we communicated. That was close to 2 years ago. <br /><br />I think I feel the same as Hope's Mama - I don't miss the friends anymore, I'm too busy missing my daughters and the me I used to be.mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07830332489753742950noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-44271033574656169882011-08-08T07:22:51.102-04:002011-08-08T07:22:51.102-04:00It's funny, because if you'd asked me shor...It's funny, because if you'd asked me shortly after Calla died if my friends were there for me I'd have shouted yes yes yes. But now . . . hm. I think people are just, I don't know, not interested in talking about it. While I've definitely lost friends I thought would stick by me, I've gained friends I never knew I had or even thought would care.<br /><br />It's strange. The ones who are gone . . . well, I don't really miss them at all. Maybe I just lost the ones who weren't really the greatest of friends anyway. <br />Love to you.xoMary Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12212750107782259674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-6623010666241616852011-08-08T07:13:40.530-04:002011-08-08T07:13:40.530-04:00Thank you all. Your words wrap around me and make ...Thank you all. Your words wrap around me and make me feel like I have all the friends I need. And Nerissa, of course you can share it.still life angiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15150141781089602529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-13854172114474316022011-08-08T04:36:27.002-04:002011-08-08T04:36:27.002-04:00You've captured this part of the shitstorm per...You've captured this part of the shitstorm perfectly. As you know, I've been through a lot of this crap myself. <br />I agreed with almost every word here, except the first line, I think.<br />I'm not sure I miss them anymore. I am too busy missing my daughter. The energy of all that missing pretty much makes me too tired to miss anyone else. I don't so much miss them, but the life I had *before* and the fun we had together, way back when.<br />But we can't bridge the gap now. There is no going back. I don't think I have the patience or energy any more to care enough to try and win them back over because like you, I know I probably did more wrong than they did. I don't blame them for walking away in droves.<br />I do know it can be lonely though, especially when friendships you make post loss change as well.<br />But I do want to thank you for writing this. As others have said - your timing is always impeccable and I've been giving this topic much thought of late. I think even more friends are fed up with me now that we near another anniversary and another birth. <br />xoHope's Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04984543289642681339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-3557267769525831222011-08-08T04:05:48.900-04:002011-08-08T04:05:48.900-04:00This is so powerful, and scary. Scary because it&#...This is so powerful, and scary. Scary because it's a theme amoung us babylost. How do we navigate this with those old friends who can never know, unless they've experienced what we have. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's the other loss we mourn which just rubs salt into the wounds.<br />Gee you've captured it, nailed it. Hit home with it. I'd love to send that letter out to my friends, at least it would take the pressure off any expecations they may have for me, and any obligations they may feel. Right on Angie. Wishing you peace. xoKatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08616143955384034381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-27283664904207109942011-08-08T03:27:25.415-04:002011-08-08T03:27:25.415-04:00Spot on post. In love with the letter. Should have...Spot on post. In love with the letter. Should have done it too. I fret about some of those lost friends too. And then I keep reminding myself of the wonderful people my life gained through the shitstorm.<br /><br />Still missing along with you.<br />xoxoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-88640534068638065352011-08-08T02:53:07.250-04:002011-08-08T02:53:07.250-04:00I think I'm losing some friends, maybe they ar...I think I'm losing some friends, maybe they are already lost. It breaks my heart, they were my closest friends,I thought they were.<br />Others have stuck by me though, and I know it's not been easy, sometimes I think even they are getting a bit tired of me now...<br />I dunno Angie, I agree with Hanen, it's probably not too late, if you really miss them. xJeanettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11423818333034603238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-89062593344832867962011-08-08T02:38:28.958-04:002011-08-08T02:38:28.958-04:00xoxooxoxoxxoxoxooxoxoxxoKara Chipoletti Jones of GriefAndCreativity dot comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04110578035201758404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-46325917162654737012011-08-08T01:46:54.093-04:002011-08-08T01:46:54.093-04:00"My kid died, so I just sat and waited for so..."My kid died, so I just sat and waited for someone stronger than me to help figure out what I was supposed to do."<br />Oh yes - I was sitting in that waiting room for a long time too! <br /><br />But, if there are lost friends who you really miss, I don't think it is too late to write that letter. They may or not respond - that's up to them, but at least then you'll know you've said what you needed to say. And maybe the ones who do respond will be the ones who are willing to have a depth of friendship that includes grief and forgiveness and everything in between. Those are the ones worth holding onto, I think.Hanenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02490161992949497684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-799711896804344062011-08-07T21:49:06.396-04:002011-08-07T21:49:06.396-04:00So timely. I feel the same. Sending hugs. xxSo timely. I feel the same. Sending hugs. xxSophiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17663682329663202706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-40400851097806243582011-08-07T21:38:34.305-04:002011-08-07T21:38:34.305-04:00yes.
all of it.
xoxo
lisyes.<br />all of it.<br />xoxo<br />lisbibchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13696528943928321710noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-20980859326640081842011-08-07T21:24:10.947-04:002011-08-07T21:24:10.947-04:00You have this incredible ability to take exactly w...You have this incredible ability to take exactly what is weighing heavily on my heart and turn it into the most beautiful words. I don't know how to repair a friendship when I'm am a griever and they become too selfish or scared or just plain unable to handle it. If you figure that one out, I will gladly pay your handsomely. xoAngiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09787279517741148607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-49942779280628992862011-08-07T21:21:46.267-04:002011-08-07T21:21:46.267-04:00I moved away from most friends and family 4 months...I moved away from most friends and family 4 months before my son died. I have one friend close to me, and she's been amazing. I've had friends reach out online and a couple be there whenver I need to talk on the phone. But, I went back home in May and hung out with friends I've known since middle school and one from college. Not one of them mentioned my son. Most hurtful thing ever. I just want people to talk about my kids, ALL my kids, just like I do theirs. I miss TRUE friends.Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04548457462997589508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-75125648045384295212011-08-07T19:52:15.051-04:002011-08-07T19:52:15.051-04:00I guess I can understand why people have trouble b...I guess I can understand why people have trouble being friends with someone who is grieving. But it makes me think that they are weak and selfish people. Because what you said is right, you do have to be a friend to have a friend, but a real friend understands that it isn't always equal and sometimes one person's need is bigger than the other. And a baby death is a big need. It's probably my weakness, but I am not capable of forgiving people when they abandon a babyloss mama.HereWeGoAJenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17457680345376171720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8013443217504323406.post-79001526481792959362011-08-07T19:36:33.138-04:002011-08-07T19:36:33.138-04:00could I please share this on my facebook, Angie?could I please share this on my facebook, Angie?Mrs. Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15859338140200333079noreply@blogger.com