Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Random thoughts on a Tuesday.

I had breakfast with Sarah (Ezra's mommy) this weekend. She is absolutely delightful. There is something so comforting about meeting these amazing babylost women in real life, watching them talk about their babies, seeing their expressions, and getting real hugs. This weekend, as we walked in the city, and ate at one of those very busy brunch places, I had this profoundly silent moment. Here we were. Sitting in a booth talking. I wondered if anyone else in the diner noticed us and wondered what we were talking about. I certainly thought, "I bet no one else in this place is talking about the death of their children." We look like normal girlfriends talking over a couple of egg white omelets. And we certainly feel like old friends. Some things just need not be explained, though we met only twenty minutes earlier, and yet, we were getting to know each others' mannerisms, humor, patterns of speech. Sometimes it is disconcerting to connect with someone, and not know exactly how they pronounce the word "water". (In Philly, this is not a given.) Yet, meeting with Sarah really felt like the opposite of real life--the real life that I am terrified of entering on a day to day basis.

In real life, you hear your friend's deepest, hardest, most heartbreaking moments after years of knowing them.
In real life, you expect to laugh, and it is unexpected to cry.
In real life, you don't feel completely protective, maternal, loving and unconditional about the person you have just met.
In real life, you simply expect to carry your grief inside your heart where you are certain you are going to explode.

Being with Sarah was comforting, kind, gentle, and much needed. Thank you, Sarah. I love your fantasy of having an entire social life of babylost women. Yes! I imagine it would involve some wine, some plate throwing, some crying, some laughing and everything true.


I know my playground sounds like an awful place. I think it is like most playgrounds in small towns. Sam read my blog and said, "Yeah, I hate the geese too."


I light a candle everyday for Lucy. It started early, when Sam's brother and sister in law sent me the best package from Earth Mama Baby Angel. In it was a warming heart for my post-birth uterine contractions, a package of seeds, called Seeds of Hope for Lucy's garden, a votive candle, and a container of No More Milk tea. It was so incredibly thoughtful. As I sat there with my breasts bound, and recovering from birth, I lit the candle next to the Buddhas. Lucia means light, and just having a little flame flickering feels warmer in the room to me. At different times, we have lit a second candle for my father in law Harry, and for others we want to think of that day or night. I have done a bunch of research about St. Lucy, which is its own post one day, and the rituals of light surrounding her. On our little shelf with Lucy's candle sits a Buddha my friend brought back from Thailand. It is small. When my nephew Max was a year old or so, we found the Buddha decapitated. I suspect that Max bit his head off and spit it on the floor, much like some toddler Godzilla. I never got upset about that, especially at the time. It made me laugh until my sides hurt actually, because you can see the little teeth mark on the Buddha. It just seemed like an apt reminder of the impermanence of life. And so, instead of superglueing his head back on, I leave it next to him. His head is never too far from his body. There is some wisdom in this, but I am just not sure what it is yet.


  1. How amazing that you and Sarah got to meet in "real life"... Glad you had a chance to do that.
    Your spot for Lucy is beautiful... what an amazing sister and brother-in-law you have!


  2. "like some toddler Godzilla" made me laugh today. thanks for that, angie.

  3. Aw Angie, I loved our time together too...and we're going to do it again for sure, real soon!

    The real question is, do I pronounce water like a Philadelphian? I've been told all my life I sound like I'm from Baltimore, where my parents grew up, but not me...

  4. i don't think i heard you say the word water, actually, but i heard myself say it. and i thought...geesh, did that sound like a south philadelphian or what?

  5. The head next to his body image is just funny. I'm sure there is plenty of wisdom in that.

    I don't think I've read your blog before, so I'll need to catch up. But, please sign me up for the baby loss group. I want in.


  6. Someome wiser than me once said that all our friendships work backwards- we learn each others hopes, fears, and deepest tragedies well before we learn about what each of us does for a living, where we're from, and- yes- how we pronounce things.

    My understanding of the Buddha is that he'd probably think it was funny that your nephew bit his head off, too.

    Loved your last email- reply on the way.

  7. You Americans have too many different accents!
    I'm glad you guys got to meet. Hope to meet you both for brunch some day, with all of our new bubs in arms.

  8. That is wonderful that you and Ezras Mommy were able to meet. Your special place for Lucy is very pretty. Is that the tiny Bhudda in front of the picture with the black frame? I love the story of your nephew biting his head off. I understand about the backwards friendships too. Wouldn't it be great if there were no distances and everyone could just pop in or catch up or gather together. Love to you today.

  9. I once went to a bereavement conference and it was just so.. well, Nice isn't the right word. Comforting? Reassuring? to know that every single person there DID know what I was going through. At any given time someone was crying, and it was ok to just be. Just be me.

    Thanks for your post.

  10. i loved reading about your time with sarah...it is a very different real life we are all living. i really think we need to figure out how we can all meet somewhere to smash, drink and cry in real life.

  11. Yes, the buddha is really teenie, in front of the black-framed photo. His super tiny head is next to him.

  12. So happy that you got to meet Sarah :)


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