Tuesday, July 21, 2009

More randomness

The nights grow later and later before I drift to sleep. I feel like I have forgotten how to fall asleep. I had a dream a long time ago that I awoke on stage. There were hundreds of people staring at me. I sat up. Trying to orient myself to my surroundings, and there was one man with me on stage.

"What were you doing there?"
"I dunno. Sleeping."
"Yes. Sleeping."
"What is sleeping?"
And I stared off into the crowd of people. All of them staring back at me with bags under their eyes, disheveled hair, waiting for my answer.
"You don't know what sleeping is?"
"No. But we have heard that word before." And I began to explain what sleeping was and why it is so important. And the man told me they no longer slept. They only worked.

I must have been in my late teens or early twenties when I had this dream. I always thought that even in that period of time where teenagers sleep inordinate amounts, I still thought about how it made me special. Like my slackeritude somehow would be recognized in the future as something remarkable.

The rest of the dream I taught this futuristic society how to sleep. How to let go and drift off into happy oblivion. Last night, as I stare at our knotty pine ceiling imagining faces of polar bears, and intricate bird's beaks, I tried to remember what I said. "Close your eyes, and let it all go. Stop holding on to consciousness." What a crappy sleep teacher I was.


I am sorry if I have been a shitty commenter lately. I want to write something. I do read. But every time I write a comment, I feel like it is meaningless drivel, even though I mean it. I go back and think about erasing it. Then I feel stupid erasing it. I'm not sure if it is extreme self-consciousness, or just this feeling after I rounded the half year marker, that this journey, all its ups and downs, and curves and bumps is necessary, no matter how painful. I just feel so impotent. Like all the non-babylost people must feel when talking to us. I think about how people trying to fix me piss me off. I just want to be heard sometimes. I just want to have a witness. And then other times, someone says something that just changes my whole perspective, or gives me a new tool in my box.

Sometimes I just want to write on every blog I read. "I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you."


I have finally alienated everyone. I woke up yesterday thinking that. It seems like there is no way to find a medium in this brave new world. If I don't tell someone how they hurt my feelings with an errant comment, I silently stew on it, festering resentment and avoidance. If I do tell them, they feel like they can't say anything, and stop talking to me. Then I have to spend many emails trying to kiss their ass and be my friend again. It is all so exhausting.


So, let's say hypothetically, if someone, or two, on the East Coast were to find a venue for something like what Monica is doing and organize a sort of weekend at a spa in Pennsylvania or New Jersey to hang out and get to know each other, like how many people would be interested in that?


  1. Oh man, I would be so interested. You do mean the east coast of Australia right?!?!?

    Angie, I just want you to know "I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you."


  2. Oh, I alienated everyone some time ago. Now I'm even alienating fellow bloggers (see some revolting comment someone left recently on my "hairdressing" blog).
    And I'm just trying to mind my own business and be a mum to a living baby.
    Life sux sometimes.

  3. Angie. As if there isn't enough guilt in navigating this baby-lost world, you are piling more on yourself? Gentle. Be gentle. Be gentle on yourself.

    But yea, I've been a bad commenter lately too. I feel like I say the same things over again, and worry constantly about saying the wrong thing.

    And so I'm going to totally copy Hope's beautiful mama & tell you.....

    "I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you."

    And can I add - I've said this before, but I feel it strongly & want to say it again....

    I'm glad to have found you on this journey - cause you give a voice to so many of the feelings I have been through in these past 6 months. So thank you.

  4. I do the same with the comments bit. I just hit post on the drivel and let it go. Like Sally, I am here listening. You aren't crazy and I love you too.
    If I wasn't so far away, you know I would be there in an instant.
    one day...

  5. I like your dream.

    I'm sure I leave stupid comments all the time. Just as sure as I'm sure that you don't Angie!
    I even thought about having an amnesty on my own blog along the lines of 'if you hate me commenting on your blog, speak now or forever hold your peace.'

    I wish that I lived on the east coast of Amercia rather than the south coast (kinda) of England.


  6. I'm up for a road trip if you'll have me.


  7. Ah we've all posted drivel sometimes, we've all alienated someone somewhere with something we say. It doesn't matter. What matters is you're there listening and understanding with love :o)

    And ditto what Sal said (not the Australia bit)


  8. I am here listening. You aren't crazy and I love you.

    The acronym for that would be....

    Do you think it will catch on?

    I am up for an east coast of Australia spa thingy.

  9. Angie - I have been a lurker for awhile, but know that..... I am here listening. You aren't crazy and I love you.

    I am in Baltimore, and I would be up for meeting you and others.


  10. No guilt about commenting allowed! And if I still lived on the East Coast, I'd be there in a flash.

    I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you. And I love Lucia too.

  11. "I feel like I have forgotten how to fall asleep" Me too!

    "I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you." it was comments like those early on that kept my head fom splitting open.

    Alienating people. I don't know if that's what I do, or if it's that I just close the door, and don't answer the phone anymore. I just want them to all go away.

    6 months this friday...sigh, I get that whole impotent thing too. I try to say brave things to the new members of the club, but I just come off sounding like an ass most of the time.

    I'm in SE Michigan, I would consider a retreat.

  12. I think blogging is like friendship is like dating is like life. Things get misunderstood, words land with a thunk sometimes, and feelings get hurt in ways we didn't intend. But, as others have said- here, listening, and love you.

    And, lucky me, I do live on the East Coast. So, assuming my presence is not required in a doctor's cubicle somewhere for a blood test, sticking a huge needle in my butt, and so forth- hell, yeah!

  13. Oh, jeepers. I hope I didn't piss you off when I jested about 'fixing' you after your therapist post. I'm sorry if I did.

    Thinking of you, Angie.


  14. I would cry that I couldn't go. Why is Australia so damn far away?

    I hear all you are saying Angie - I get you x

  15. Yes, no guilt allowed! I always find your comments thoughtful, kind and loving.

    And although I'm somewhat far from the east coast, my passport is up to date and I have airmiles. So, yes, I would definitely be interested! xoxo

  16. i'm so there. i'll help you guys organize it.

    i feel the same way about the commenting and all of it. if you just wrote on mine that you were there listening, thats enough for me. i don't need a fix.
    no one can fix us angie.

    lets get this retreat planned. i have done a bunch of yoga retreats out in sf and i also did a loss healing type of thing in kripalu.

    but i want all us east toasters to meet and hang and heal together. and if you aussies decide to do one, i'm so flying out there for it. xo

    love you angie. i am here listening always.

  17. It's been at least 2 weeks since I've written anything on my blog - I started today. Then erased. Then tried again. And erased. What to say? I, too, am feeling impotent. And worse yet, boring.

    Angie, I am here, listening. You aren't crazy and I love you. And I wish I remembered to write those words more often.

    I was actually reading about Monica's gathering the other day and wondering if there was any way in hell I could get myself to Seattle and back in that time frame. Yes. YES! Me. I would be interested in gathering. A gathering in Pennsy, which is my residency, would be divine.

  18. I am here listening. You aren't crazy and I love you.

    Because the alternative is that we all went crazy...and i don't think that's true.


What do you think?