Monday, February 14, 2011

Monkey mind

Breathe in through the nose. Out through the mouth.
Stop thinking about breathing and just breathe.
Monkey mind, Angie, monkey mind.
I just want to cuss now. Fuck, my skin is uncomfortable around my soul. And my belly binds up in lotus position. Frankly, it always did. Why does meditation sitting have to be so fucking uncomfortable? I mean, shouldn't it be in a comfty chair? The comfty chair?!?! Nobody expects the Spanish...Thinking, Angie. Thinking.
Oooooooooooooooooooom. Can you chant in your mind? I am chanting in my mind. Maybe I should use Fuck as my mantra. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Thinking. Fuck, Angie. Focus, dude. You are not supposed to do anything and you can't even not do anything. Oooooooooooom. Om. Nom. Yum.
Ignore the girl. You are meditating, for goodness sake. Keep. Your. Eyes. Closed. Keep them closed. Ignore her. She knows what she is doing. She is working with the monkey mind.
"Mommy? Mommymommmymommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy."
Go away, little girl. Ask your father.
"What, child? I am meditating."
"Do you want me to hit the gong now?"
"No. I will tell you when to hit the gong. Now go."
"Okay, but Mommy?"
"Yes, baby."
"Can I meditate with you?"
"Of course, but this is a non-talking meditation."
"So, you won't tell me to breath in love?"
"No. You will have to tell yourself that."
"Oh, sure. Sure, I can."
"Can I ring the gong now?"
"Yes, you may ring the gong now."

Breathe in love. Breathe out impatience. Maybe I should be listening for God. Or for my intuition. Wait, my intuition tells me to drink sixteen bourbons and eat a gallon of ice cream. My intuition is an asshole. Monkey mind, Ang. Monkey mind. 

Breathe in love. Breathe out criticism.
Breathe in love. Breathe out anger.
Breathe in love. Breathe out fatness.
Breathe in like. Breathe out loathing.
Just like. Just breathe in like if you can't breathe in love yet.  My fucking knees hurt.
Breathe in tolerance. Breathe out starvation.
Breathe in tolerance. Breathe out monkey mind.

Breathe. Out. Monkeys.

"I rang the gong, Mommy, because I was done."
"Thank you, love."


  1. sweetness... sweetness... sweetness...

  2. If I were to even get to the lotus position, I would like to be as honest as you in that place. Breathe in honesty - just keep breathing it. All the rest will follow... xxx

  3. Seems like you got what you needed even if it arrived through the side door.

  4. Love it...sounds like how things go here...

  5. Isn't that how meditation is supposed to go? I rather like the "f" bomb being used as the mantra - had me giggling! My mind has serious trouble shutting off when i try to be still. This was a sweet story even with the undertones of frustration.

  6. dear ang, I need you to get out of my head when I am trying to meditate. Maybe that's why I can't focus. Maybe my mind is cluttered because you're in there reading it.

    Seriously, I feel like you've cut and paste a huge section of this from my last attempt. Minus the gong.

    Maybe I need a gong.

  7. aw, I can't wait to meditate with my lil Beanie.

    At least it won't be ME distracting me!

  8. I've never been good at the turning-off-the-mind thing either. Thanks for making me giggle this morning.

  9. What a cute, sweet description of a moment with Bea. Loved reading it. I didn't know the expression monkey mind but you totally sound like me when I try to meditate. Including the cussing. Hope my monkey sleeps tonight.




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