My totally unscientific observation about Facebook:
It isn't until you lose your child that you realize that a large percentage, perhaps even the majority, of Facebook status updates and posts are about pregnancy (complaining or otherwise), babies (complaining or otherwise) and kids (complaining or otherwise). It isn't until you quit drinking that you realize that the majority of the now minority of posts is about wine, beer, booze or getting loaded, preparing to get loaded, or in the process of getting loaded. It isn't until you stop eating gluten, wheat, sugar or anything interesting in your diet that you realize that the rest of the posts are about food.
I guess in the morning, replace the booze with coffee, except for in only the most extreme cases. Funnily, the posts about things I can't do right now don't bother nearly as much as my unscientific survey leads one to believe. I think it is more of a case of being the fool who points out that the emperor has no clothes. I actually like naked people, so carry on, people.
I am still blown away by the response on the Right Where I Am project. I guess everyone realized that the right in right where I am marks both a place in time and space, and right as in whatever you feel right now is okay and true and right. I fell in love with this community a long time ago, because being forgiving to you in your grief helped me be forgiving to me in my grief. You loved me until I could love myself again. That is the beauty of this community. My seemingly ugly, dark, nasty little thought that I tucked up into the vault of never-to-be-uttered-in-polite-society-because-it-would-horrify-people is echoed on a blog of a woman I love, or a man I read here and there, or some random post I run across and I realize that it is not so horrifying, or dark, or impolite. It is just grief. And perhaps by default, I am not so horrifying, dark, impolite. Ironically, I felt like a terrible person when Lucy first died, like a diseased, warped, pessimistic, anxiety-ridden troll. As time has passed, I have confronted a lot of my demons on this space. I owned a lot of my darkness. I resided in my abyss. I had no choice. I came out the other side. And on the other side, I am much more forgiving to myself. I am less harsh and cruel to me. I lost everything to gain some modicum of self-respect.
I could talk longer about that, but truth is most of you probably get this, I think.
Last week, I trained to be a MISS Foundation HOPE Mentor. It feels good to be at a place in my grief where I can abide and listen in a way that I couldn't in the beginning. My dear friend Kara, aka Mother Henna, has long been associated with the MISS Foundation, and the MISS Foundation founder Dr. Joanne Cacciatore have been incredibly powerful, compassionate forces in my grief. If you haven't checked out the resources there, please go. There are forums, local support groups. It is a space that creates love and support.
AND I am putting out feelers for a fall babylost event in the Philadelphia area. Probably the first week of October, maybe September. Next week, I am checking out a space to rent for a kind of babylost arts festival--poetry readings, essay readings, a display of the still life 365 travel journal, art, a collective arts project, connecting with other babylost mamas and papas, food, grog, and other ideas I haven't yet thought up. So, what do you think? Would you come to the Philadelphia area for an event like that? (Actually, it would probably be in Collingswood, NJ, where I live, since there is a great space, which is on the train line, and lots of parking.) So, here are my questions to you: what types of things would you like to experience at that type of get together? Would you come? Would you like to read your poetry or an essay (even a blog post)? What else...this is just an idea in the stewing...so I'd appreciate any feedback you can offer. I did put together a weekend long babylost retreat a few years ago that was awesome. I was thinking this is more of a day/evening event that would be like experiencing the on-line community of babylost in person.
There were a few friends in my life (now ex friends) who made me feel awful in the early days of my grief - as if I was grieving badly, wrong, too slowly, too intensely. But it was coming back here to this community, time and time again and reading the words of hundreds of other grieving women, that I realised I was actually ok. There is not a single thought I've had or single phrase I've uttered that hasn't been said or felt before by someone else who has lost a child.
ReplyDeleteAnd to those friends (ex friends now), well for a long time I wanted to bundle up all of the amazing posts I'd read and send them to them, but I've come to realise now it would have been pointless. I've moved on, they've clearly moved on and I'm better off without them. I know where I can get true support and understanding, and that is right here in this amazing community.
Our community feel strong lately, and I put that down to your project, Angie.
I'd be at your gathering in a heartbeat, if that big ocean wasn't in the way.
xo
If I could muster up enough money, I would come. I would love to tell a part of my story that I don't hear a lot about but think needs to be told. I'm not too far from where you are, so I'm excited about the possibility. :)
ReplyDelete"I felt like a terrible person when Lucy first died, like a diseased, warped, pessimistic, anxiety-ridden troll."
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely the place that I live most days. However, finding your site and other sites where all my feelings can be normalized makes me feel a little less diseased and crazy. I can't thank you enough for starting the "Right Where I Am At" project, it helped me connect to a lot more women in this community. If you weren't across the country I would definitely come to your weekend retreat. I am trying to find support groups in my area, but they don't seem to be around.
Angie, I understood what you mean so much that I had to repost it on my blog. I was already in the middle of an "if i offend you, stop reading" post, trying to find a way to explain myslef (something I shouldn't have to do on my own blog), but the non-grieving just don't get it. I hope you don't ming, but you really helped me say it today in a way I can be proud of! THank you!! http://everythingebach.blogspot.com/2011/06/it-is-just-grief.html
ReplyDeleteI'll be there in a heartbeat and help with publicity! You are awesome Angie, truly.
ReplyDeleteI'll be there in a heartbeat and help with publicity! You are awesome Angie, truly.
ReplyDeleteI found after I lost Blaine that the majority of posts on Facebook were about trivial, non important, fluffiness like "A just bought a new pair of boots," or "B is having mac and cheese for dinner." Meanwhile all I wanted to put was "Elaine just cremated her son." "Elaine just ran out of tissues cause she's been crying for two hours straight."
ReplyDeleteThanks for setting up the Right Where I am Project. It was nice to meet some new people and get a perspective on loss at different timelines.
Oh I'd love to come, if only there weren't a pesky ocean in the way!
ReplyDeleteI can't be there in person, but I'll be there in spirit. I think it is a fantastic idea. There is nothing like being around people who actually understand and aren't afraid to talk to you.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could come, I think it is a fantastic idea. I often wish I could meet one person IRL (in my city) who has had a stillbirth. I know I can't be the only one, but it feels like it sometimes. In the early days, I flew to Philadelphia to meet Sarah as she was a lifeline and I needed to sit with someone who understood. Recently, I met with CLC for coffee when she was passing through town. It's such a powerful thing, to sit and talk with another woman who knows exactly what you mean. Bravo for organizing this, Angie. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI would love to join with other babyloss parents for something like this. Convincing hubby night be a challenge!!! Keep us updated on what you decide!
ReplyDeleteI get it, all of it. It's comforting to know you're not the only one harboring these dark, horrifying thoughts. It's just grief.
ReplyDeleteI'd be there in a heartbeat, a retreat sounds amazing. But I'm afraid I'll be too pregnant to fly or possibly even caring for a newborn (God willing). If I were to go, I'd like to here other women speak, be able to share grief related art, possibly have workshops to create my own grief art... I think it would be uplifting to all gather together as the babylost. xo
Fab, I'd love t go to something like that kind of retreat, but I think at the time I most would have benefited from it, I would have avoided and hidden at home. But thats just me.
ReplyDeleteHave noticed your 'where I am now' and thought about writing in there, is there a time limit on that?
You're right about facebook updates, I just notice them being pregnancy/children focused, but never really noticed the boozy or coffee ones. I also think its more in question about why people feel the need to announce such things (Ok pregnancy I can kind of understand is a BIG thing, but getting fucked up? Not so new or fresh). The people who bug me are the ones who post obvious attention-whore status updates, the ones where people are obviously intended to jump in with sympathy/ unbridled rage/*insert random emotion ignited by fb*
I will post very concrete details when I have them. I think I will have to charge to offset the costs, which sucks, but also okay. I wasn't sure about the grief workshop, though I did a creative journal workshop with grieving women, and it was amazing. I am still trying to create something like that in short videos for still life 365.
ReplyDeleteStinky, the Right Where I Am project is on-going. No timeline. I added a permanent tab along the bottom of my header so people can access that post anytime. I might do it again in a year or two.
I would love to be a part of the project . . . I've never been to Philly (or NJ for that matter!). I've also never been in a place, yet, where everyone's seeing things like I now do. Keep us posted. You are one awesome lady.
ReplyDeleteI have attended some memorials local to me, but no art forums, except the Heartfelt exhibition where we had a mini babylost community gathering. I always like the idea of a group artwork, like a tree that people can hang a piece in their child's name, or name writing in sand or pebbles. And I like the idea of an open mic, they have that at the memorial service for SIDS and kids here in Melbourne. People can tell stories, sing or read. Go for it Angie, I so desperately want to buy a ticket and jump the pond. Who knows?
ReplyDeleteWow---never realized you lived so close! I'm in NJ as well :) would love to come and possibly help?
ReplyDeletelol do we have the same friends list by any chance. Yep thats very true. So so so many status' and posts complaining about their child. A screaming baby or not, at least their baby is alive to be screaming.
ReplyDeleteThat's an awesome idea Angie...I'm also in awe of the community and all the support out there. When I lost C. almost eight years ago, there were no blogs, no online forums, no professional photographers (in my city anyway)...although family and friends did their best to help me, there was no babyloss community I could turn to for help and support. The only inkling of assistance in this direction was the hospital bereavement group or a locally established loss support group that sent me a religious-themed support package in the mail.
ReplyDeleteThe Right Where You Are Project and this prospective get together are just gold...
Sally...maybe we could do an Aussie version? Work with Gavin on it perhaps...I know there's quite a few of us (unfortunately)...maybe we could organize something for the summer out East...Sydney or Melbourne?
Yes, I feel like an anxiety-ridden troll! Yes, it is sort of getting better. Still feeling anxious, less troll-like, though. I think your project sends lovely and you are absolutely right that we need this kind of community because unless we have other people to echo back our feelings, it's too easy to think that we are absolutely broken and ruined and dead inside instead of heartbroken and human and trying to heal. Philadelphia is far away from me, but not THAT far...
ReplyDeleteI'd come if only to say hi to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI knew there was a good reason why I never joined FB. Although I do like talking about food . . .
I'm not sure - in my daily venture to Still Life - how I missed this post!
ReplyDeleteI concur with your FB thoughts and with Elaine's comment.
The event sounds wonderful and we would be there too, in a heartbeat, if several thousand miles and expensive plane tickets weren't in the way. Perhaps we can still participate somehow? I have been working on an art project for the past week that has everything to do with the Right Where I Am project. I'll post it on my blog in about a week, but maybe it could be used in the event? Anyway, I'll be sure to send you the JPG when it's finished. If it seems appropriate, I could build a frame for it, get it printed and send it flying to your neck of the woods.
speak it sister. (in regards to the facebook comment) i have hidden so many people now that it a wonder i even get any fb updates.
ReplyDeletei would be willing to come to NJ for an event. i'm in NY, that's an easy trip for me.