Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes it feels like my chest is wrenched open and my heart is exposed to the world.

I am naive.

Is that surprising? It still surprises me. I angers me that I can be reduced so quickly to shaking and tears and feeling like she died again because of one cruel remark. I am skittish here, like a crack-smoking chihuahua. Or something. A shaky hairless little thing that piddles on the floor.

I wish I could strengthen my walls. I wish I had resolve. I heard this piece on NPR this weekend about willpower. Willpower is a muscle. Willpower is finite. Willpower is a talent. Use your willpower judiciously.

The doctor on the radio, talking with the sounds of a cupcake bakery in the background, said the way to strengthen willpower is to meditate and pray. I do that. Every day. I meditate and pray. But still I shake with anger. So, I keep sitting. All cramped legs and shifting focus. I light a candle, some incense. But I am still incensed. I lay in bed with my hands raised in prayer position, staring at the moon.

God, help me find my path. God, help direct me to your will. God, thank you for giving me challenges so I might use my tools. God, thank you for letting me feel anger that I might understand serenity better when it comes.

I have so much right now, I don't even know what to prioritize. I downloaded games on my Droid and play them instead of the thousands of things I committed to in the next few weeks. The games, particularly a game which seems to be a combination of both Boggle and Scrabble, is better than the fucking meditation. It works better, so I keep doing it. My husband asks me if I am replacing alcohol with DropWords. Yes, I reply. He nods and goes back to watching a show about the molten core of the Earth. It all feels so out of control right now. I feel so out of control, because I cannot control the anger that replaced the shame. I really want to tell you what happened, but I won't. I don't want to be that person anymore. And anyway, there was something I wanted to tell you today. Something that I have hanging above my desk that feels like a prayer. It is just this:

You are lovely.

Leave the sentence that feels like a prayer, a wish, a coin toss below. We all need a little pick-me-up these days.


  1. ((HUGS)) Angie.

    Thank you for that sentence. I think we all need to remember that too.

    I used to have the Desiderata poem on a poster on my study wall back in my 20s (OMG, that long ago). It may have been hokey, sure, but my favorite part was:

    "Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.
    You are a child of the universe
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

    Your "You are lovely," reminded me of it...

    Take care, my friend...hang in there...

    P.S. I don't think the DropWords is so bad...I seem to have replaced a lot of things in life with 70% chocolate and extra caffeine. Not a great combination I imagine.

  2. A combination of Scrabble and Boggle? I'm not even going to try it.

    I'm so glad I'm here.

    That's my sentence lately. I say (sing) it every morning. I say it when all is lovely and happy and when everyone is crying and needy and I just want to get my coffee. And sometimes in those latter type moments it feels a little sarcastic, but then I look around and (mostly) realize it is true.

    And you are lovely and I'm glad to see you back all over the place again.

  3. I have become totally addicted to Words With Friends. I have several games going and get frustrated when people don't make their move quickly enough. This evening I actually closed the laptop for awhile, baked some cookies and watched some t.v. But of course I am back, again seeking solace in the screen before me.

    When I think of prayer, I wish I had knowledge in so many areas, the only prayer I have always goes back to the bible.

    "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest..." Matthew 11:28

    It does not bring me much peace right now but I do think that if we keep seeking, peace will find us all one day.

    You are lovely!

  4. I have been sitting here wrestling with what sentence to leave for you. So...I will leave both.

    You are loved.


    Mmmmm....bacon wrapped butter.

  5. Word games are a great replacement for lots of things, I've found. Like online shopping, which happens to be my vice of choice these days.


    Keep calm and carry on.

    I'd never heard of that expression before the middle of 2010, and now I see it emblazoned on everything. But it works for me.

    I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. People can sure suck sometimes. Sending love.

  6. "Hold tenderly that which you cherish, for it is precious... do not let the fear of dropping it cause you to hold it too tightly, the chances are, it's holding you, too."

    With love, my friend.

    ps: we used this quote on Hope's birth announcement card. I have always loved it.

  7. My dad is fond of telling me he loves me no matter. And you are loved no matter how you come. Sending love.

  8. I think that you can strengthen your willpower like a muscle, but there are things that are too heavy for even the largest muscle to carry. So sometimes there is that.

    Sending you much love.

  9. The things we have to remind ourselves especially on bad days...
    Two of my favorites:

    "Be kind to yourself"

    "Choose Happiness"

    XXOO Hope today is better than yesterday.

  10. I don't think you're skittish or naive or shaky or lacking in willpower. I think you're a human being with a heart who loves all her children and is therefore capable of being hurt by other people's cruel remarks. Be proud of your tender heart. (though I guess that doesn't make it hurt any less)

    You are lovely.

  11. I've been humming the Willie Nelson line "blue bird, singin' a song...nothin' but blue skies all day long." Reminds me of alot and brings a soft, bittersweet happiness to me.

    You are a lovely person full of beauty and compassion.


  12. When you feel so low, the only way to go is up.. right???

    Sending you lots of love Angie.

  13. Like the butterfly, I have the strength and hope to believe in time, I will emerge from my cocoon transformed.

    In the meantime, I will incessantly play words with friends, scrabble and solitaire on my phone (anyone want to start a game? - katiekoo11) and spend too much money that I haven't got on shit that I don't need.

    And, you ARE lovely. x

  14. If willpower is a muscle than I'm a willpower amoeba (do amoeba have muscles? Maybe they do. In which case I'm a hopelessly ignorant amoeba too.)

    And I can totally see how Boggle might be a form of meditation.

    I'm struggling with any pick-me-up that could be anymore accurate than "you are lovely" 'cos you are.

  15. Oh I LOVE Boggle, if the last thing I do is play 3 games, I fall asleep pretty much instantly. I've never questioned it, just do it. Dropwords sounds like my kind of crack cocaine, just say no, Stinky.

    Love to you, whatever has happened

  16. I don't know if I've ever commented on your blog, but I found you after losing my daughter in May and hope that you never ever stop writing! Your writing and projects have been such an inspiration to me.

    Lately I've been telling myself "belly to spine." I just started doing yoga for the first time ever, I was never patient enough before. But "belly to spine" reminds me to just suck it up for the moment when I'm feeling down (and also to literally suck my flabby belly in!!)

  17. I so agree with what Hanen said. What if someone had said something thoughtless and insensitive about Beezus or Thor? I suppose we still have to protect our children even after they are gone. I do it proudly. And you do it VERY well. :) (Agreement with all the you are lovely sentiments too.)

  18. My sentence for you:
    I'm glad to have you in my life.


  19. I've just lost hours to solitaire on my phone whilst trying to finish a blog post about losing hours to pinterest, ebay and amazon. Dropwords sounds like it might actually be good for your brain.

    Your honesty in your brokeness continues to inspire me. I think it is the most important gift we can give ourselves.

    That and space to play dropword or scrabble or boggle...

    Hugs to you Angie.xx

  20. Sending you so much love and light, angie.

    I spend an inordinate amount of time with dropwords, words with friends, and -yes- angry birds. something about being able to check out and chuck birds into pigs is immensely helpful for me at times.

    you are loved, lovely, and loving.


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  24. I wish he would come home. *dumps all my change in the 'well'


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