Not to be overly dramatic, but sometimes it feels like my chest is wrenched open and my heart is exposed to the world.
I am naive.
Is that surprising? It still surprises me. I angers me that I can be reduced so quickly to shaking and tears and feeling like she died again because of one cruel remark. I am skittish here, like a crack-smoking chihuahua. Or something. A shaky hairless little thing that piddles on the floor.
I wish I could strengthen my walls. I wish I had resolve. I heard this piece on NPR this weekend about willpower. Willpower is a muscle. Willpower is finite. Willpower is a talent. Use your willpower judiciously.
The doctor on the radio, talking with the sounds of a cupcake bakery in the background, said the way to strengthen willpower is to meditate and pray. I do that. Every day. I meditate and pray. But still I shake with anger. So, I keep sitting. All cramped legs and shifting focus. I light a candle, some incense. But I am still incensed. I lay in bed with my hands raised in prayer position, staring at the moon.
God, help me find my path. God, help direct me to your will. God, thank you for giving me challenges so I might use my tools. God, thank you for letting me feel anger that I might understand serenity better when it comes.
I have so much right now, I don't even know what to prioritize. I downloaded games on my Droid and play them instead of the thousands of things I committed to in the next few weeks. The games, particularly a game which seems to be a combination of both Boggle and Scrabble, is better than the fucking meditation. It works better, so I keep doing it. My husband asks me if I am replacing alcohol with DropWords. Yes, I reply. He nods and goes back to watching a show about the molten core of the Earth. It all feels so out of control right now. I feel so out of control, because I cannot control the anger that replaced the shame. I really want to tell you what happened, but I won't. I don't want to be that person anymore. And anyway, there was something I wanted to tell you today. Something that I have hanging above my desk that feels like a prayer. It is just this:
You are lovely.
Leave the sentence that feels like a prayer, a wish, a coin toss below. We all need a little pick-me-up these days.