Thursday, October 6, 2011

on opening doors.

I lead with my head, like the boy. When in doubt, tuck your chin into your chest and ram.

Smash. OOooch.

             Try the knob.

Crunch. Oooch.
Excuse me?

             Turn the knob. You know, the handle.

What knob? Kerputz.

             The one under your head. Open your eyes.

Crack. Oh. There's a knob.

             Stop ramming your head into the door. It will take forever to open that way, and you may get a headache.

But my head worked once.

            What kind of door was it?

A swinging one. Without knobs.


Sometimes I feel so human. All skull, no brain.

Hair in odd places. 
Scratching asses. 
Rubbing overhanging stomachs. 

I strive. Not for a golden apple, but for the ability to taste an apple for what it is. I try praying. I pray a lot now, actually. Not for things, but to be an instrument. I am praying to be a knob instead of a thick skull. Sometimes I don't think I can be anything but a thick, meaty skull, scarred and dented and perfectly effective in only .17% of the cases.

I don't mean to speak in riddles, really.

I don't know any other way to talk about this journey. It is confusing to me.

I think I need a helmet.

So, tell me, what are you smashing your head into these days?


  1. Smashing my head into life, possibly the wall in between the doors because I am so certain there is something on the other side of the wall, but just don't know how to get there. And some days smashing my head into the sweetie jar which doesn't seem to have what I am looking for on so many levels. Riddles are good. They make sense in the end.

    Being human is all that stuff and brain, not one or the other, but you know that. It is easy to say it to someone else, but if it is all about the physical right now, then stay with that. (I'd never recognise that for myself). My therapist always used to ask "What's good about it?" when I was getting frustrated because I was stuck in some place. It helped.

    xx Louise

  2. I'm smashing my head into the impossible math problem that is our financial situation. I keep working the numbers this way and that but I can never get them to add up to what I want, to what we need. I think maybe the publishers made a mistake when they printed this, there doesnt seem to be an answer.

    I smash my head against itself trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, what will make me happy. Is there a way I can feel fulfilled and still put food on the table? The answer seems to be no. If that is the case, where do I go from here?

    I smash my heart against the uncertainties of family building. Will we ever make enough money to afford another child? Will we suffer more losses? Will my baby die before I ever get to hold him or her? I just want to know if something awful is lurking there, in my future, so I can deal with it and move on, or realize that I'll never move on, that tragedy marks my new life. I hate uncertainty, I want to know what lies ahead.

    So yeah, forging ahead, unsure of everything. Trying to find my way even though I can't see what's coming.

  3. It's October - and that is a break wall I will always bang my head against. I had a baby in October - a perfectly healthy, full term baby - and she died? And she would be how old? Bang, bang, bang.

  4. Hmmm.. probably into grief and secondary infertility. Never thought that would be a drum I would march to. Sigh...

  5. Being unable to control the actions of others, specifically co-workers who are doing a poor job. Drives me bonkers! I continue to bash my head into the frustration of trying to get them to improve their work ethic but that only gives me a headache and a bad reputation of being the "bitch". I lose. They remain oblivious. Try as I might I can not let go the desire to control.

  6. October is hard for me. I have to celebrate an older living child and grieve the lost daughter. And it is always the busiest time of the year for my husband. So I have to handle it by myself, for the most part.

    Maybe the knob will be easier for me to find this year.

  7. Anxiety. That, and anxiety about other people's anxiety. Same damned doors that have been there for years- you'd think I'd remember where the knobs are by now.

  8. not much really, I don't try to open closed door anymore, really i just turn around and leave to find different route - possibly climb through a window to get to where I want to go. I try to thread quietly, too. because i don't even want other people noticing me or worse crash into me... that's call kind new for me.

    That's where I'm at... avoiding closed door to avoid the crashes.


What do you think?