Wednesday, August 29, 2012

blue moon

Wind takes pity on my battered soul and torn up legs, moves through the backyard, first caressing the chimes, then moving the mosquitos to the neighbor's backyard.  It is night. The dog is patrolling the yard, scaring squirrels, chasing phantom cats to prolong outside. I don't mind. I look both ways, then I open my arms and close my eyes and see the moon as a photo negative behind my eyelids. It is so bright already. Strange in this place that steals organic light, sucking it into some suburban ambient dull orange aura that surrounds our town. A second full moon this month is the moon of intention. Deliberate abundance. It is the one of synchronicity. "Ask your spirit guides," I read on a blog. "Watch for signs. Open yourself to them. Make connections. Then act on them."

I feel the magic run through my body as I soak in the moon. I am not eaten alive by bugs. That should be enough magic for this long summer. I ask for nothing, rather I tell the universe what I have in my mind's eye. It is what the blog shaman says to do. Use affirmations.

I inspire my children. 
I bring joy. 
I am driven. 
I know. 
I awaken. 
I am confident. 
I am clear-headed. 
I forgive. 
I am healthy.
I am a source of light and love. 
I am my higher self. 

Then, I whisper the vain requests, I am thin. I am strong. I am beautiful.

I am run by the moon. I howl to energize and turn inward, my cycles match up to the moon, perhaps like all women. But I don't know what to do with the power I harness from the night sky. I squander it on resentments and dream work that I am too lazy to write down and deconstruct.

I like the Native American names for the moon. August is the Sturgeon Moon which makes me happy for the fish (don't forget the fish.), and yet the blue moon, the second one this month, takes the name of the first, like a shadow self. Amore radiant, special, important shadow self.  Last full moon, I was packing for our trip, and praying and I forgot about the moon all together. I felt disconnected from the space outside my house. Heat and mosquitos kept us inside in July, bouncing on furniture, wrestling until someone cries. I am trying to let go of my shadow self, or rather maybe I am trying to make her more radiant, special, and important, like some kind of blue moon goddess. Can that be the shadow self I don't discuss in proper company? The one that is luminous, forgiving, pious, full of God and light, as opposed to the angry, resentful Angie? I realized a few weeks ago, that I hadn't thought about my righteous indignation in a week or more. I scratched my head and thought, Yeah, but I can fire that up if I want. Maybe that means I am still damaged. 

But I don't want. It is exhausting to let it go string by string of the cord that binds me to curses, abuse, and neglectful spirits. After more than a year, finally, I feel almost free of the cord that bound my heart and prevented me from letting women get close and know me. It occurs to me that I have already set my intention this year. I want to allow another woman into my life as a close friend, someone to confide, share, open up to and who I can do the same. I miss that in real life. Perhaps it is a friend of my daughter, or the pagan yoga instructor, or the psychics who ask me to join their group. I am asking the universe for a friend in my town, someone who makes me laugh and brings out that part of me, someone who likes far-out gypsy topics and oracle cards, art and crafts, and remembers that women need each other. Someone I can listen to for hours, someone who I trust.

I signed up for this two-month project called the Magical Sabbatical. It was everything I wanted to accomplish, and it felt divinely given that I even found it. It follows the full moon cycles, starting this blue moon, and ending on the full moon of October. It contains lectures and affirmations, rituals and intentions. The website says it is "an intentional disruption in your status quo." I am open to opening. I am open to the shadow self, the luminous goddess that she can be, if I only let her.

What are your intentions this blue moon? What are you accomplishing spiritually, emotionally? Share with me. 

3 comments:

  1. I too miss meaningfull, deep friendships with other women. I real life, I don't know if there is one female who I can sit and talk with (and have the conversation go back and forth) and feel close to. I really want that, and I don't know if I can say "again". I think back to my life while pregnant, and BEFORE getting pregnant... and I don't think there was anyone I could say I was really close to (who was a non blood related female).

    My intentions are to open myself up to finding emotional comradery. To move through day to day with an open life...invite good. More good. And look towards good, and see it all without the cloud of sad.

    And in that... hopefully my body will be open to new life. Growing, and nurturing new life.

    I have to mean it. Not just want it, or long for it, or yearn for it. I have to somehow find what it means to *be* ... and not try.

    I look forward to others sharing here. I love reading your blog, and those who follow.

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  2. My intentions for this blue moon have to do with finding right effort. In the middle of March this year, I just said fuck it, and I stopped trying. I stopped trying to take care of myself, I stopped trying to be nice, I stopped trying to be productive. I stopped making any effort, because the effort I was putting forward was not helping me. I allowed myself just honesty, which was often unkind, stillness, and sloth. I would only do things that I was in the mood to do, which was not much of anything at all.

    That hasn't helped beyond surviving months of grief, and now I'm reevaluating and trying to find right effort in my relationships, in my body, and in the energy I put into the world. I've been reminded that there are some things that I have to work for, and that if I both literally and figuratively lay on the couch all of the time, then I have very little control over what happens in my life.

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  3. My intention is to not let the sadness I feel at the end of my time at home steal the joy of having this boy here. In other words, though I hadn't realized it when I started to write, my intention is to practice gratitude. I have begun many rounds of formal gratitude practice and never gotten all the way through, as I was too angry for the things that were stolen from me to want to feel truly grateful. Now, I think, I do.

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What do you think?