Thursday, June 4, 2009

Random thoughts instead of napping

A few weeks ago, I had this dream that I had thirty-seven followers. Not dream as in a "goal," or something I am striving for. I had an actual dream where I was on the computer and I had thirty-seven followers to this blog. I think this is one of the twelve danger signs that I need to go log off and join a monastery or something. Still, it was a weird dream, creepy and ominous, though I can tell you that nothing overtly creepy happened. No one appeared to me dressed in robes and said "Beware the Ides of Followers." It was all ambient freakiness. Shadows and strange animals with yellow eyes. Clicking on-line.

"Huh," I said in my dream, "Thirty-seven followers. That's weird."

The funny part is, at the time, I didn't even know how many followers I had. I didn't and don't even really care about the number. It is just that one day, I had this dream that it was 37. When I woke up, and went to the computer, it was 28 or something. Whew, that was strange, I think. Suddenly, it began creeping closer and closer to 37. And I kept hearkening back to that stupid ass dream.

This week, a strange feeling of foreboding has been enveloping me. Today, that number is 36. What happens when I reach 37? Was it a prophetic dream? It is obsessing me a little. What happens at 37? Will my thirty-seventh follower be G.Reaper, or something? Since the dream was creepy, I just keep thinking that it is something dark. Mogwai-turn-to-gremlin disturbing. But maybe it is something good. Thirty-seven, after all, is a prime number. Prime means unique, natural, good...I just hope that it is something like free coffee. Thirty-seven cups of it. Or mail. I love mail.


Sam has the day off today. I have been painting miniature paintings all day today. Painting pictures of jizos. Pictures of babies. Pictures of Beatrice catching butterflies or lightning bugs. Pictures of me holding Lucy and crying. It has been wonderful if I focus on the painting and not the subject, you know. Is that what makes it therapeutic--that I don't actually think about what I'm painting?


If my whole entire little universe were in school together right now, I would pass this note to my mother.

Are you reading my blog?
Circle yes or no.
Love, Angie

Not that that would be a bad thing, but somehow, it seems like I should know that.


We bought our tickets to Panama yesterday. Since Lucy died, I've wanted to be in the equatorial sun, in the rain forest, somewhere hot and sweaty. Somewhere, anywhere different. And yet, we haven't done much of anything, or gone anywhere different really, since December. This winter and spring we have stayed home, taken naps, planted things, been fairly domesticated and in general, sat around crying and reeling. I'm ready for some place warm and tropical. We will be surrounded by family. Little Bea will meet hundreds of her cousins, and my aunts and uncles, and eat Panamanian food. We'll dance and drink Seco. We'll taunt monkeys to throw poop at our heads. I just keep thinking...please don't let anything happen to us. No strange jungle rash. No fender benders. No food poisoning. No hijacked airliners. No lost luggage. No, absolutely no, ebola. Just let it be normal, pleasant even. Will even beautiful happy vacation news always have this tinge of apocalyptic, hysterical thinking?


Hey, Thirty-seven, (and only you know who you will be), I'll be keeping my eye on you.


  1. i am 37!!!!!! that's right, sister....i change destiny, i become number 37, no foreboding, no apocalypse....bwahahahahaha! i love you!

  2. I'm following too. My first follow. I didn't want to leave you hanging out at 37. ;)

  3. Oh, you guys, I wasn't fishing for followers. You have changed fate, you know that...Sam yelled at me just as I saw your comments, so maybe that is what 37 means.

  4. Maybe the 37 wasnt really about followers but maybe something else? Days? Weeks? Hmm...Maybe I'm just looking for a deeper meaning like I seem to do with everything lately. Your vacation sounds wonderfully lovely.

  5. Firstly can I just say that "Mogwai-turn-to-gremlin disturbing" is the best line I have ever read in a blog! Funny, as I had a Mogwai moment myself this morning when Simon turned the light on while I was still asleep - "bright light, bright light!"
    And yes, I think Panama will be fantastic for you all. The post babyloss holiday (vacation!) is the thing to do. Now we are planning our "we can't throw a first birthday party, so lets piss off somewhere warm instead" holiday.
    And a warm welcome to number 37, and all who follow afterwards :)

  6. I'm all for the grief going on vacation - we did it twice since Sam died and if our bank account would allow it, I'd be back right now. Enjoy! Much love.

  7. I'm hoping you have a wonderful time in Panama. It sounds so exotic to me, monkeys throwing poop and all. I know we all bring our minds, bodies, and troubles with us everywhere we go . . . so, why not bring them someplace tropical? :) Maybe they'll like it there.

    Peace, my friend.

  8. see the site logs, I didn't have to officially follow the blog to follow you. ;) I really just find so much peace and strength and comfort in your words, so I keep coming back.

    So back to the topic at hand - vacation. A trip to Panama and being surrounded by family sounds healing.

    Just three weeks after Rose died the three of us took off to Jamaica. It was a family friendly place with nannys to help each family, and so everyone we'd encounter would make small talk about how wasn't it nice to have the nannies so that parents could get a little break from parenting.

    I wanted to have a shirt made up..."I was supposed to have a baby, and all I got with this stinkin vacation", so that people would understand that it wasn't a beach vacation and time away from our children we were searching for, it was uninterrupted time....time to dedicate to Claire, in an environment that wasn't so tinged with sad sad reminders of our pain.

  9. Panama sounds dreamy. I hope it's a nice excape from everything for you.

  10. Steamy and exotic? Sounds beautiful. I will pray for a safe parasite/infection/disease free trip.
    Please post some pictures so I can live vicariously through them... ;)
    Love to you,
    xo Lindsay

    p.s. The word verification is trial...hmmm

  11. Woohoo! You are at 38 now! Did anything happen with enrollment of #37?

    How exciting that you are going to Panama! You just don't know what will happen and you already have learned that beautiful experiences can turn devastating. You will just have to find the balance between worrying and having a great time.

  12. The only thing that happened at 37 is that Sam woke up grumpily and passive-aggressively told me I talked too loudly on the phone. I have the lamest premonitions. I'm cool with that. But Number 37 is my identical twin sister. She looks suspiciously like me. I have always distrusted that about her. She is a copier.

    And Tracey, I do have that site meter, but I have no idea who is this point, I use it simply to have this conversation with Sam, "Someone from Beirut looked at my blog for a second. Isn't that cool?"

  13. angie, i'm just picturing you painting pictures all day...and crying...your paintings are beautiful... i love the 3 jizos you painted for lev, it's on his altar, along with your heart card and black heart bead...

    panama sounds so perfect...when do you go?

    thinking of you & lucy too

  14. Mmm, 37? I may borrow your number and see if it works for us. We found a really old house we dream of buying and renovating so every once in a while we buy a $2.00 lottery ticket. Neither of us support gambling but we just think that after this crappy year, perhaps we could win just enough for the old house. And a bit more to renovate. I will use 37 and let you know how it goes!

    Your holiday to Panama sounds wonderful. I hope there are lots of smiles.

  15. I am a follower, but I don't think I count. because I subscribe in google reader!

    Panama sounds like a wonderful idea. My hubby is from the interior, but we haven't gone for over 7 years. He is itching to go, but I want the next trip to include a baby to show off.

  16. i want to see all your beautiful little paintings!

    enjoy panama, the warmth and the family. i'm sure as with anything we all do, there will be some sadness. but getting away from the regular every day is always a good thing, if just for a bit.


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