Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Long probing needles and the Lost Weekend (babylost, that is)

I had the beginning of a HI-larious blog post completely written in my head while driving to my father yesterday. I mean, it was comedy gold. Very very chuckle worthy. And I was looking in the rear view, "Beatrice, take this down." Really, she can't take notes. Well, not well. It ends up all swirly circles and puppy dogs. And so, as soon as I wrote it, I bid it adieu. I am old now. Unable to remember shit. Literally, I really don't remember shit. Not when I took one. Not when I changed one (on the girl). And so, much like an elaborate sand mandala, I allowed the blog post, of which I cannot even remember the subject, to drift away on I-95 and be crushed by an incredibly staid Guaranteed Overnight Delivery truck. For that is when I lost it, the thread of blog post, when I saw it pass me at 85 mph. "There is something you need to learn about being smoked by the G.O.D., Inc. truck," I thought. "Something profound and terrifying."

Many moons ago, in my first incarnation as a university student, I took a class called UFOs in American Society. It is the only class about UFOs and abduction taught at an accredited university. I shit you not. I sat in a lecture hall in 1993, listened to a man lecture, and watched 150 people taking notes about the definitive signs of abduction. It was fascinating. There is a very very fine line between the shit research and the shittier research of abduction, mainly because the entire evidence basis relies on hypnotherapy sessions with individuals who suspect, or desire, alien abduction. But there is some common threads of alien abduction, and all of it centers around fertility and making hybrid babies. Once it got to the hybrid baby part of the semester, I admit, I stopped showing up for class. And so in the most embarrassing  part of my university transcript, I received a 'C' in UFOs in American Society.

I have used a ridiculous amount of my learning in that class in my everyday life, especially when I moved to Arizona where I met quite a few people who were abductees, or you know, said they were. I had common ground to at least understand their experience and why they believed it. And sometimes, in those moments of eye contact and drinking heavily, I believed it too. And so some mornings, when I read blogs, I wonder how many of these women writing are abductees.  Much like I look around in regular life and think, how many of these people lost babies? What is your secret story? And that is just it, we all have some secret history of which we do not reveal during our first date, or even our twentieth, but somewhere between a letting down of the guard and an opening up of the trust.

This past weekend, some East Coast (and a Texas) mama got together for the Babylost Retreat Weekend and we, in our way of simply showing up, revealed part of our secret history. I admit, there were a lot of things I could have calling this weekend, but Baby-Lost Weekend sort of reminds me of John Lennon and has this air of debaucherous revelry. I sort of delighted in telling my normal friends. "Yeah, I'm going on a Baby Lost Weekend. See you in 18 months."

I have so much to say, and yet, I can't really say anything: What happens in Ocean City stays in Ocean City. I met some incredible women, sharing stories, food, love and time. There were ten of us in all: Sarah, m, Lani, TracyOC, Tash, Niobe, Julia, Molly, Laura, and of course, me. I had no idea what my expectations of the weekend were. Admitedly, awkwardness dominated my imagination. Self-consciousness, maybe. But it was the exact opposite of that. There was a beautiful ease and comfort being around women who wanted to connect, talk and relax. And each of us contributed our own piece of what made the weekend amazing.

At some point, I was sitting in room with Lani, m, Sarah and Tracy knitting, Niobe and Julia editting the photos of the creepiness surrounding and amidst our rented Victorian home (why are blinking dolls an acceptable decor in ANY time period? HOLY FUCK!), and playing Scrabble with Molly while Laura and Tash sat and talked with us all, and I felt this sense of peaceful energy and calm. See, I can have this laughing, rolling ease of conversation. I can connect with people. It both reminded me of what I have lost, and gave me hope of what I can have. I think out of the entire weekend, my favorite moments were the flurry of kitchen meal activity. In my family, the kitchen is where the bochinche happens. While drying dishes, or chopping vegetables, we learn of the latest gossip, the old stories of the family and the laughing until you cannot breathe. It wasn't any different with the other mamas, and that what defined this weekend--it was like hanging out with family. We are all different, and certainly approach our losses in different way, but there was a kind of unconditional love and acceptance, unlike many of our own families in some ways. What we want our families to be, perhaps. It was beautiful, serene and magical. Good medicine.

16 comments:

  1. THAT IS AWESOME. Huge congratulatory hugs to you and all your babylost momma peeps who found one another. I know, remembering fondly- how important and wonderful it was to finally meet up with some peeps who got what I was going through.

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  2. I am so glad to read that you all had such an amazing time. Part of me felt like the God truck had passed me by when you said "east coast momma's" because I am on the East Coast, and so need something like that, a place to just be babylost with others who really understand. It sounds like an absolutely beautiful weekend.

    In case you have ever wondered... I am not and abductee :)

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  3. Sounds perfect. :)

    I laughed when you said "Beatrice, take this down." That is just the sort of thing I say.

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  4. I wanted SO much to be there. Still, I am so grateful that you all got the opportunity to.
    It's sounds surreal, being in a house full of people who get you, and have been through similar heartaches.
    I'm so glad your imagination was wrong in this case.
    So much love to you, and I hope you can keep ahold of it in your mind in the months to come.

    xoxo

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  5. Wait, you should have brought the reading list books to the retreat with you! It might have at least explained the dolls . . . .

    I told Eric I was golden when I saw the beer-bringers unloading their dogfish head and Victory. I knew I was amongst like-minded friends, and all would be more than fine.

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  6. Glad you had such a wonderful weekend. Sounds wonderful... and the doll sounds creepy... :)

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  7. the weekend sounds like it was just perfect. the ease of being together, in a community of babylost mamas who speak the same language. wish i could have joined you all.
    xoxo

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  8. Sounds like a very healing weekend with an excellent group of women. :)

    And I'm sure your "in your head blog post" was hilarious Ang, so a little virtual chuckle just for you.

    ha.
    ha.ha.

    ;)

    xoxo

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  9. It was an amazing experience. And I don't say that lightly.

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  10. So glad you all were able to come together and connect. I've had the privilege of meeting a few fellow moms and it was definitely like being with family.

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  11. the weekend sounds wonderful - i'm so glad that you got the mama crowd and the mama love you needed. thinking of you and lucy so much as december draws near. xoxo

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  12. It sounds like a wonderful weekend--cathartic, supportive, relaxing.

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  13. It was good medicine. Thank you for organizing.

    Tash, glad you approve. Can't say I'm sorry I couldn't share with you. Maybe next time?

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  14. Was thinking of all of you this weekend. Hugs.

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  15. I'm jealous!!! The weekend sounds GREAT! I am glad you ladies were able to get together and lend each other some more support. And BTW...I am not an abductee either!!

    P.S. Thanks again for the button...I LOVE seeing it on all the blogs!!! xx

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  16. amazing to meet you and the rest of the mamas. such a fabulous weekend, i'm still constructing my blog post about it. and with the long car ride i had ahead of me, it definitely filled my brain! i lol'd of the thought of beatrice taking notes. ha, thats great.

    i miss you already!

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