Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Some more remarks about coming out of the closet

I never thought I could experience such a divergent range of emotions at the same time--fear, excitement, joy, anxiety, helplessness, shame, power and beauty. There are other feelings that aren't screaming as loudly as all of those are, and so they kind of just work as gophers for these emotions. But the truth is, it isn't like these emotions are competing with each other; they are part of this mix of one emotion. It should have its own name. Like Exciety or Anxitement.

I am feeling the toll being pregnant three times in three years has taken on my body. I have one living child and no bladder control. No sudden laughing or sneezing. I tap into my Vulcan nature, and mostly answer each question with a well-placed chin scratch, "It is curious how you human find humor in the most illogical of situations, like when I am not wearing panty liners." I walk like an old woman, groaning up the stairs like my grandmother used to, "Mother. Of. Pearl." In my last ultrasound, they found the baby, at twelve weeks, somewhere near my ribs.
"Is that baby even in the uterus anymore?I mean, I thought that was where my spleen was."
She smiled. "Your uterus looks very long. "
"Uh, thank you?"
"That happens when you get pregnant again so quickly. There is your left ovary."
She moved the wand to the other side of my belly right above my hip. "There is your other ovary."
"Are you sure you have that on the right station? You are actually over bone."

I feel like I buried a mine in the post from the other day. I am sorry if I shocked, surprised or scared off any limbs when you got to it. I know news of pregnancy can be incredibly difficult during this journey, and so I am sorry if I didn't exercise enough compassion when delivering that news. I hadn't intended that post to be THE post where I come out of the closet. I just have been thinking so much about my cynicism, my fears, and my shame, especially as my anxitement moves into straight up terror. I realized I had gotten to a point in my blog where I could no longer speak of anything without speaking of this one thing.

And so there it is. I will take questions from the Press Corps now. Helen?


  1. You are so thoughtful, Angie. I giggled at your ultrasound description - my babies after my first were always waaaaaay down low. Hope you're feeling well.

  2. "anxitement" is genius. So are you.

  3. I really hope everything works out for you this time.

    It's Ok to be scared and worried after everything you have been through.

  4. i am a big fan of the buried lede. i like the anticiposity. no shock here - just v. happy for you. hope you and your elongated uterus can enjoy the good moments along this anxious path. thinking of you lots. xo

  5. Angie,
    I've been out of commission for some time and I just learned of your beautiful news. I can imagine choosing to be become pregnant was a difficult and emotional decision. I hope you feel more and more peace as the days go on and your little one grows.

  6. I was happcited to hear your news:)

    For me, every time I hear about a member of our "class" taking that step it gives me hope that I will one day have the courage to try again too.

    I am nervous, anxious, scared, worried, and various other emotions all rolled up into one right along with you, for you.

  7. Exciety or Anxitement. perfect.
    here with you angie on this crazy journey.

  8. Loving both Exciety and Anxitement. Wishing you as much exc and itement and as little anx and iety as possible.

  9. I know how hard the decision to become pregnant again after loss is, and am amazed that you have room in all that confusion/worry/anxiety etc to be worried about how we will take the news. We have walked with you in grief, and happily walk with you in joy. Sending you so many good thoughts on the news of this pregnancy.

  10. Exciety...genius. I may tattoo that somwhere. Did I ever tell you about the time in the hospital when Scott made me laugh so hard I wet my pants, while on a gurney? I couldn't even blame gravity, and no, I wasn't wearing a panty liner. Much love to you mama!

  11. It's a white knuckler, this pg after...and once you've let the proverbial cat out it's hard not to talk of how it sheds its fur all over your world.


  12. I am with you on the lack of bladder control - also 3 pregnancies in, oh two years. Throwing up is the worst!

    I swear my stomach is not as big as it was last time, even tho I am in maternity pants already. I guess everything is just in different spots...

  13. I don't know if you'll catch this - I'm so behind on my reading but I couldn't not say how thrilled I was to hear your news. Lots of Anxitement here too!


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