Monday, March 29, 2010


Before Lucy died, Sam and I always used the morning after his twenty-four hour shifts to go out to breakfast. Our local diner is a place of happy Jersey vibes. It is filled with old people, and frequently, the mayor. Our favorite waitress mispronounces Beatrice's name, and squeaks like Fran Drescher. She calls us "honey" and brings us free bananas. Sam and I always order our respective eggs mush, and a shared fruit bowl. We like fresh fruit.

One morning, we got our delicious bowl of fruit. Grapefruit, banana, grapes, pineapple, and then there was this weird white fruit. I put it in my mouth. Crunch. Like little bubbles of yummy. It was a bit citrus-y. But sweet. Bit tart. Hmmmm, interesting. I picked up another one. "Wow, this fruit is so weird. It has the strangest texture, but it is really good. What is this?"
"Uh, Ang?"
"That's an apple."

I have defenses. In a bike accident in 1999, I knocked out my front teeth. Due to a fear of their structural weakness, I don't eat apples unless I cut them up and I am lazy. Also, the grapefruit/pineapple acid taste permeated everything in the bowl. But still, I grew up in apple orchard country. There were apple trees in my backyard. I have apples in my bones. I have the cellular memory of apples in my taste buds. Yet, in this common diner in New Jersey, I was convinced that I was being served some exotic, foreign fruit for $1.99.

Right now, that is how I feel. I have a living child. I have a dead child. I have gone through childbirth twice. I have even been induced before. I have attended my sister's three births. I have many friends with children. And I have no idea what I need to do for this baby. Every night Sam and I sit down together and make lists of things. What we need to do for the baby. What we need to do around the house. What the day of birth is going to be like. What are we naming the baby. And we always conclude the same way. Ah, well, we'll figure it out.

My sister asked me today if I had receiving blankets.
"What are those?"
"You have them."
"I do?"
"Those thin blankets that you swaddle babies in, remember? Swaddlers."
"You have blankets, right?"
"I think so. I have quilts that you made me. Does that count?"
"No. They need to be thin."
"Do I have to take them to the hospital?"
"Then I will worry about it later."

And thus is every conversation I seem engaged in this week. I have some diapers, and a few onesies. My one boob seems to be still in working order. I can't really see anything beyond that. Where is the baby sleeping? Don't know. Where is he getting changed? Uh... Do have bottles? Binkies? Socks? Hats? Seems rather extraneous right now. What are we naming him? Let's see him first, 'kay?

And yet, YET, this weekend we threw an early birthday party for Beezus' third birthday. There was an ugly ass unicorn pinata. Dora plates. A dozen and a half balloons. As I scrambled in the morning trying to prepare everything, I kept finding my husband with his foot elevated, and the Military Channel blaring. He would accomplish one task and sit. Then I would give him another task. Then, bam, there is a documentary on the B-51 again, drowning out NPR.

"Come on, dude. I need help."
"It's fine, Ang, geesh. It always comes together. It always turns out great when you host people."
"Of course it does. Because I make lists, and plan every single fucking detail, dude. It doesn't just happen. It doesn't just 'come together.' There aren't gnomes making the food. I do it. Every detail I do. That is why it is great. Come on, dude. I am massively pregnant. I need your help today." STOMP STOMP STOMP. Muttering "men" under my breath, and sons of...and other unmentionables. And as I continued preparing for the pinksplosion, I started thinking about what I snapped at my husband. Life doesn't just plan itself. What if I am putting up my feet in front of the proverbial Military Channel when I should be making lists to prepare for this kid? What if lists would help me remember what it is like with a newborn?

I have no idea what to expect now. The lists we make seem useless, because we qualify them with statements like, "But we don't want to spend money on that just yet..." or "But he might not even come home, so seems kind of pointless to pull it out now." Like preparing for a party the day before. You can't exactly put all the chips in a bowl and wait. You have to do it the hour before people arrive. I am going into the hospital Wednesday night, and hope to have the baby Thursday. I think the baby will come out my vagina. That is something I remember. That shit hurts. I also might be bitchy at some point. No list can take that away. Other than that, I am following my husband's lead. Feet elevated. Military Channel. America's Next Top Model drowning out common sense. Large glass of ice water. Maybe Thor himself is the one making lists in there. I do remember that the little being coming out is definitely the boss.

That I remember.


  1. my heart is there with you angie for Wednesday and thursday. I have no doubt you will work it all out when the time is right. Be kind to yourself xxxxx

  2. I really understand. I haven't allowed myself to wrap my brain around this baby's birth either. And, I figure when she arrives safely, family can go out and get the things she needs. I'm sending good vibes and energy your way for a peaceful birth and arrival of your little one.

  3. All the best for Thursday - I'm looking forward to hearing your news.

    And I'm sure you'll figure it out after Thor is here.

    Maddie x

  4. Awww honey all that baby needs is your good boob and love, and you have plenty of that. The rest of it will follow.
    Thinking of you. x

  5. Oh, Angie. Sure you're not a virgo? I'm a virgo and we people are big on lists. And I also love making food for parties (I'm sure Simon thinks the elves make it, or something).
    And hey, we go out for breakfast after his night shifts, too!
    God, I'm not sure you'll leave my thoughts until that boy is out of you (which ever way he comes out) safe and sound. I absolutely can't wait.
    Cliche to say, but hang in there my friend.

  6. Final spurt... I 2nd Jeannette, all Thor needs in the beginning is boob and love. Relax until wednesday and watch silly reruns on telly with hubby.

    Thinking about you and crossing all my fingers!!
    (a fellow bike-accident victim with fake front-teeth, too)

  7. I'm with everyone else, Thor will need you, milk, love. That's it.

    One list I would make is things to take with you to make induction less mindbendingly dull. It took effing hours for things to get going with Moe. Even my fear wasn't enough to keep boredom at bay. Love to you all my dear xx

  8. Thinking about you so much Angie.


  9. Thinking of you this week and wishing for only wonderful things..ok yes its does hurt like a bitch...but you will BE GREAT...and you will remember just what is needed to be done when the time comes. xx

  10. I have decided not to make lists. Too stressful. In fact, we've stopped at about 4 names -- the only list we've decided we'll need, hell or high water -- and we're going to make the final decision in the hospital.

    I'm with all above that you don't need anything in the immediate sense except a diaper, a carseat and open arms. At least I'm running with that notion, and my husband is picking up the two former after we know this kid is coming home.

    Get some rest instead.

  11. i have no worries about your ability to take care of a living babe...can't wait for some good news on thursday!

  12. boob and love sounds about right. you can figure out everything else later. although maybe you want a lasagne in the freezer or something, so someone can feed you while you're feeding thor? thinking of you. xo

  13. All Thor needs is love, a warm blanket and a boob or other source of food. Even the diaper is not a necessity (practical, but not necessary). I think you have the best plan, I will strive to copy it if I go down this road again. I am wishing hard that Thor's screams will soon be overiding America's Top Model.

  14. Yea, in spite of having previously been the go-to girl for baby gear/supply lists, I found myself the other day having to google 'what to bring to the hospital' and 'what does baby need for first few days'. My mind just goes fuzzy when I think of what we might need. Can't really think past the next NST/BPP.

    But I did order sister shirts this weekend. And had her name put on them. That was huge for me.

    So as much as I love to think that I'm all zen about this baby, confident and hopeful that she'll come home, loving her blissfully, and hopefully without reservation like I did little C & Rose when I was pregnant, there is still a sense of disbelief.

    Angie - sending you so very much love for Wednesday night & Thursday as you prepare to meet Thor. Hoping for a smooth induction and an easy birth.

    After this long journey of loss and pregnancy, its just days away til you meet your third child. Days. Remember when hours seemed like years and the idea of having a third child was an unthinkable thought?

    I still remember when I first found your blog, first learned of Lucy, and our shared pain, and I was then and even more so now in awe of your grace and beauty in spite of sadness, pain and fear. I send you much love my friend.


  15. You're doing great hun. I can't wait to 'meet' your precious new boy!
    You have a mother's heart and great instincts and that is enough to get you through.
    I have faith in you and little Thor and I am so excited for you to hear his little lungs scream out the news of his arrival.
    I'll be thinking of you Thursday at my last NST.
    All my hope, love and good vibes to you sweetheart..xo

  16. Yeah, I think you've got plenty of stuff already. Diapers and onesies are all you really need. If you find you need anything else, it just gives you good answers for when people say "we are coming over to see the baby, can we bring you anything?"

    I will have all my good thoughts and prayers heading your way this week.

  17. I know what you mean... Luke was not due until May and by Christmas the nursery was completly done and I had almost everything I needed on my list....

    I still have everything in boxes for Alex's room (Bold red & navy aviation theme)...

    With Leia, I had nothing, no decoration, no baby shower, no clothes, no diapers, I mean nothing since I was not sure if I was bringing home a baby or not... It was sad but I couldn't bring myself to take everything down again. Her room now is cheery pink & brown butterflies & flowers!

    Best wishes Angie. I can't wait to meet Baby Thor and give you some stuff from your "list"!!!


  18. You've got it all with you. The boob, the love. The hosp will give you some diapers and probably an outfit or two, the hubby can pick up a carseat and you are all set.
    I appointed people as shoppers. I had no desire to do any of the planning either. When I came home form the hosp., there was a fully stocked nursery ready and waiting. We didn't use it for four months.
    You will be fine. Holding you close and sending positive, quick and painless labor vibes alongside a healthy baby vibe or two, too.

  19. All the best for you!!! (((HUGS)))

  20. Counting down the hours. Please update us as soon as humanly possible. And don't worry about the "stuff". You don't need it. All he needs is you.

  21. Same list as always, sweetie- Breathe, love, repeat.

    You're almost there, and Thor is almost here. Love you.

  22. Thinking of you and sending so much love to you, Angie.

  23. Thinking of you, Angie, and sending tons of healthy baby vibes and easy labor vibes down to you. He'll be here soon.

  24. Good luck, Angie. Thinking of all of you tonight.


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