Saturday, March 13, 2010

My lizard brain

I'm actually finding it a bit mind-boggling that it has been a week since I last updated my blog, but then again, I haven't actually been on the computer properly for most of the week. The strangest part of this time with Sam home has been not finding a minute of time for myself. Usually my de-stress alone Angie-time is lounging with coffee/tea, writing and commenting at the computer. Sam usually accuses me of having hypergraphia, because we will be having a conversation about, say, dinner, and I will run off, because I had something I had a brilliant turn of phrase stuck in my head and it became two pages. But right now, I have a ton of work to do on still life 365, a load of emails to respond to, and yet my energy for writing has been almost nil. I haven't much done anything creative. I have read other blogs where people say that they have a lot to say, but can't say it during this time of wait. I don't. I have nothing to say. I just don't feel like I have much to offer right now in the way of insight. No higher thought. No revelation. My lizard brain has taken over. I am not capable of higher anything other than: "Eat Bug," "Lounge on Sunny Rock." "Drink Water."

I am wracking my brain right now, trying to figure out what the heck I have been doing. I guess existing. Eating ice. Playing with Beatrice. Trying to make sure my house doesn't resemble third world squalor.  Sam returned to work this week for exactly three hours, twenty minutes, before HR got involved and sent him home again. Apparently, the boot he must wear for recovery is not allowed in the operating room, which means that he is not allowed to return to work for the next few weeks. So, at least, probably until Thor is born, Sam will be home. He is now more mobile, and able to help. I told him that I am ordering a case of bon-bons and sparkly water and ordering the entire collection of some HBO show. And he is working off the last month. Still, despite the fact that I want him to maximize his time with Thor, I am also grateful to have time with him home where we connect, enjoy each other's company and get mentally prepared for this baby. Also, having him be able to watch Beatrice during my many appointments makes life that much easier. In general, I am grateful for this newfound time, plus, it helps that because his hospital won't let him back, he can now claim disability and use his vacation time for Thor.

Part of my lack of existence in my parallel, but equal, on-line world is that since last Saturday, I contracted some sort of bronchitis-y thing from Beezus. Because of my gigantic belly and nighttime already being a chore, I didn't actually sleep most nights this week for more than two hour stretches. I had asthma as a child, and when I become sick, it goes to my lungs fairly quickly and harshly. So while I did not sleep, I did, however, catch up on every shitty show that television has to offer. Lack of sleep does a number of your emotional state, which can only be described in the best of moments as tender. The past two nights, though, I have slept. All night (besides pee breaks).  And that makes the world not so intimidating.

I am on the mend, most certainly. Coughing frequently and emphatically has helped me work on those kegels. After three children in three years, I have to prepare physically and mentally for the large lung cough, let me tell you. I am unapologetic in my discussion of bladder control where my stance is such: kegel exercises are bullshit. I have done them all my pregnancies religiously. I have worked on my pelvic floor. I have isolated muscles during birth. And still, I cannot watch Raising Arizona without Depends.

Two weeks. Five days. Thor will arrive. I admit that while that sounds like no time at all when someone else relates that time frame to me, e.g., "I am going to Jamaica in two and a half weeks", when I see it written out I can only it as 27, 360 minutes, or maybe more like 1,641,600,000,000,000 nanoseconds. That a lot of nanoseconds for something to go wrong.

But the frequent doctor's appointments are doing their job of calming me. Truly. I feel energized and giddy when I leave those appointments where they tell me he looks great, and I am doing great, and to keep it up. Yesterday, I had my fluids checked. The awesome radiology tech took some 4-D pictures of Thor. The child is genuinely chubby. Funnily, he actually was smiling in there. Smiling. What if my freaking out and crazy over-reactive brain is still creating a happy child? As I walked to the train yesterday, I thought maybe. Maybe I am still capable of not fucking this child up with my constant freaking out. Maybe he will play basketball in our backyard. Maybe he will be a stinky teenager, and a handsome kind man. Maybe he will find my blog some day and say, "Mom, this is embarrassing."

Next Friday is another growth scan, which I am anxiously awaiting. I have a theory that something happened between week 31-35 that restricted Lucy's growth. At my 31 week check-up, she was measuring three weeks ahead and at 35 weeks, she was two weeks behind. I always wondered what happened there, so hopefully, Thor is still big and things are consistent. We will discuss the actual date of Thor's birth, which I am hoping will be April 2nd. I can't say that I believe this child will be living with us in April. I am still confused about the logistics of all of this--going from week 35 to born--but one way or another, I will kiss that nose, and hold on to that chubby baby thigh, and enjoy whatever time I have with my son. Hopefully, it will be until I am old and more lizard-y and wearing Depends, for real.


  1. hey Angie good to hear you're in lizzard land, it's quite ok, me thinks, just one day at a time. I'm very, very happy for you.

    love to you


  2. April 2nd would be a good day. I am looking forward to his arrival. :)

  3. Oh, I'm so glad things are going smoothly with this pregnancy. I get the truly giddy feeling - I hear ya. Go Angie, go Thor. And I'm inspired by your attempts to keep your house from looking like "third world squalor" - nice. I need to learn something from that.

  4. Hold on, Angie. He's coming. We all can't wait.
    So much love to you as you wait. And hope.

  5. Of course he's a happy little guy! How sweet that he's hanging out in your womb smiling :)

    I want to lounge on a sunny rock.

  6. Glad to hear you are getting some well earned feet up, rest time & special time together before little Thor arrives.....

    So hopeful for you Angie, counting the days with you & sending much love.

  7. love the images of you and your chubby son and the kind man he will become. wow, two weeks. hang in there angie. sending you love.

  8. Hang in there and think of that cute little smile. April 2nd, here we go. Hope your cough will be better soon. Sending the best wishes!


  9. Thank you for sharing your lizard brain with us! Funny, your brain on a lizard day is still about 10 times as sharp as mine on a good day! Waiting with you xx

  10. I am SOOOO with you on the bladder control. I'm hoping this child comes before allergy season kicks in full bore or I'm going to be doing a lot of my own laundry. Ahem.

    And also with you on the scare in the weeks starting with 3-. My last u/s with Maddy was 32, and I think she was starting to peter off and fall behind a bit, but otherwise looked fine! so we obviously missed the stuff about her growth stopping around 34w and her heart being enlarged to the size of a 6 mo. old. So I too am awaiting those particular growth scans with baited breath.

    hang tough. Time is so odd now, I can't tell if it's short, long, or just awful to undertake.

  11. It's so true, the time markers can feel so different depending on what it is you are waiting for...I hope the last few weeks with Thor are blissfully uneventful and that he makes his way here with a "hey, what's with all the fuss" scream just for you:)

  12. April 2nd is an awesome day. I hope that you can find some peace in this very stressful time. I've been through that time once and am about ready to do it again. No amount of convincing is going to make you believe that Thor is going to be with you. When he is here, then you will believe it.

  13. Hey, I hope the days since you posted have gone well...that's another few under your belt.

    Time is one slow little fecker at times like this.

    Fingers crossed the next few pass quickly.

  14. I love this:

    "I thought maybe.... Maybe he will play basketball in our backyard. Maybe he will be a stinky teenager, and a handsome kind man. Maybe he will find my blog some day and say, "Mom, this is embarrassing."

    You've been on my mind. So glad you are on the mend. And look, now there are only 14 days more to by day Ang. Hang in there. We cannot wait to see you and Thor.


What do you think?