I am happy. And sad.
I keep saying it, because I can't quite describe it any other way. I realize how fortunate I am that my third child is here. Breathing. Living. Cavorting (in a newborn way) with my first daughter. But it is more than simply knowing I am fortunate, I feel fortunate. My soul is welled up with love happiness making me feel full. I think I feel fortunate, because if I believe that nothing I did killed Lucy, then Thor's existence here feels simply like good luck. I have never been someone one would refer to as lucky, and yet, these days, cooing, smiling Buddha baby and Big Insightful Sister make me feel exceedingly lucky. I also have an older daughter who amazes me everyday. I tried to describe her this weekend and just kept coming back to amazing and wonderful. These amorphous words of praise...the thing is I just like her so damned much, even though she is three and three year olds are the original masters of the non sequitur, which I totally get.
"Are you hungry?"
"Jack the dog is black and I am pink."
What she said there is, "Stop stressing, Mama. The dog and I are playing." No one told me how much I would like my kid. I mean, I knew I would love her, but like her. I had no idea. And all that good fortune wrapped around a nugget of dead baby. It makes the happy sad. I have suffered enough to recognize how fortunate I am that I haven't suffered more.
I used to think of those emotions as opposites. Happy/Sad. Up/Down. Left/Right. Quiet/Loud. You can't be one if you are the other. When I was a child, I also used to think of vanilla and chocolate as opposites too. You are either a vanilla person or a chocolate person. But then I had a twisty cone with rainbow jimmies, which is my favorite. They are two flavors that exist next to each other creating its own beautiful, delicious flavor. That is how I see happy and sad now. Not as opposites, but as two flavors of emotion.
Perhaps it should be named something new--sappy. Or maybe I am just had.