Saturday, December 11, 2010

Grief

I feel like prey.

I can feel the invisible eyes of Grief in the trees, and hiding behind the rocks as I walk through my day. Where are you? I search the usual spots--in my marriage, in my sleeplessness, in my anger. I know he is waiting to take me, but then he doesn't come. I maniacally keep busy by surrounding myself with people and things, but I know he is still there.

Grief is a motherfucker. And he is the most patient motherfucker I know. Grief is starting to feel abusive, like a long, intense game of chess at gunpoint. I feel stalked and beaten. I am worn down. Sure, Grief takes you when he wants you in the beginning, but if you somehow figure out ways to keep him at bay by surrounding yourself maniacally with people and things, he can wait until you are alone, or feeling lonely.

Grief seizes my back, and wrenches me into a pretzel. I feel like I cannot walk, and then I do. Slowly, but I walk. Grief whispers in my ear, "Maybe this isn't grief at all, maybe you are just too fat. Maybe no one misses Lucy anymore, except you." And I know he is fucking lying to me. I know it, but maybe it feels that way to me too every now and again.

27 comments:

  1. Yes. Grief is a hoary old bastard. I'm sorry love.

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  2. "Grief is a motherfucker. And he is the most patient motherfucker I know." this is probably the best description I have ever read about him. Perfect.

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  3. Such an awesome way of describing grief and so true!

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  4. You are beautiful and I think of Lucia everyday. SO you can tell that asshole, Grief, to shut his mouth!

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  5. Most definitely agreeing with you here... I couldn't put it any better myself. Hugs.

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  6. I hear you, love. And I'm sorry.

    Funny thing, in that not at all funny sort of way- yesterday I posted on GITW about how the grief of losing our babies had gotten duller and quieter. Tonight we went to a movie and one of the previews showed people sitting around in a circle in what was clearly a support group. 5 seconds in, I heard myself saying "Oh, G-d, no" and started bawling. So, umm, yeah- the motherfucker is rearing its ugly head around here, too.

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  7. I miss your Lucy too. I've been thinking about her even more than usual as her birthday approaches.

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  8. Grief is not only a nasty motherfucker, he is also a master deceiver. You are right Angie- Lucia will never be forgotten.

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  9. What a description and so very true. Thinking of Lucia. xx

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  10. Such a god damn motherfucker. I hate him.

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  11. Yup, he's a bastard. Thinking of you all, and especially Lucia. x

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  12. Yep. He's a complete motherfucking prick. I won't ever forget Lucy, Ang. She matters to me.
    xx

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  13. this is exactly it. he's back here too, with a hand around my throat. bastard. sending love. xo

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  14. Beautifully put.

    Thinking of Lucia Paz as Solstice approaches.

    xxx

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  15. That mother effer can kiss my fat ass. He sneaks up on me, tricks me, lulls me into false security so he can kick the shit out of me at the grocery store.

    Thinking of you and Lucy and sending big hugs.
    xo

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  16. Yes. And, not that it will make that rat-bastard go away, but you aren't the only one missing Lucy. Thinking of you and sending love.

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  17. I have a blog post I have never got around to posting that I called "death has a fat arse" - you say so perfectly what I was struggling to ennunciate in my unpublished ramblings.

    Lucy is remembered around the world - with love and longing.

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  18. spot on. Hope your grief jujitsu skills knock his sneaky feet from under him. And Lucia is remembered here too.

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  19. True words, my dear. Grief indeed IS a motherfucker... and a sneaky one at that. He lurks behind corners and words, ready to jump into our faces at any given time. I'd love to kick his butt for you.

    Thinking about you and Lucy in this dark time of the year. She'll never be forgotten in my neck of the woods.

    xoxo

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  20. truer words, I just can't seem to find them. Grief is a motherfucker. And your daughter is remembered and loved. Solstice will always belong to Lucia in my mind.

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  21. Grief is violent and relentless.

    Lucia Paz has a posse with a long memory and a big heart. I am proud to be a member.

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  22. We need to booby trap the grief bastard. I second what many other commenters have said...Lucia is never forgotten, and well remembered this time of year and all year. Sending love to you.

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  23. oh angie, truer words have never been spoken I don't think. Grief IS A MOTHERFUCKER.

    And he's been wreaking havoc at our home the last few days.

    Sending love, and thinking so much of you and Lucia.

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  24. Oh, Angie. You have my number in this post. Grief is a motherfucker. I'm so sorry you are one of the stalked herd. This blows. I'm always astonished at how long grief's reach can be. Once he comes, he never seems to leave. Even when I'm so sick of him and tell him to get the hell out.

    *big sigh*
    Just sending you gentle vibes and lots of love, for whatever that is worth.

    oxooxox
    me

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  25. Powerfully stated and I'm totally in agreement. ((((hugs))))

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  26. A precise description of grief. I am sorry that we all know him so well.

    Your sweet girl will not be forgotten.

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