Tuesday, July 10, 2012


I haven't had a drink in eighteen months.

Last night, someone reminded me that I had eighteen months sober. It is funny to be reminded. I wrote on TracyOC's blog that in the past, my periods of sobriety I marked off my calendar with a big black sharpie, like I was in prison. I counted days like I was dying of sober. So to be reminded tonight of how long I haven't drank tasted delicious.

It seems like yesterday that I was wondering if I had a problem with drinking while simultaneously trying to figure out how to stop drinking, (which should have been an answer to the first question) and then later, if I should write about all these shameful revelations here. Being an alcoholic is not shameful to me anymore. I protect myself in my daily life from earth people finding out about sobriety, because many many people still believe that alcoholism is a moral failing. I happen to believe it is a disease, and don't blame myself anymore than I would blame someone for their asthma. 

On a day-to-day basis, sobriety is the most important aspect of my life. More than anything. It is ironic how little I write about recovery here, considering I am constantly speaking about it, talking in front of groups of people about my drinking, writing about it in other places. Oh, it is hidden in the words, woven into my narratives constantly. But I don't frequently write about sobriety as a way of life.

Last week, I visited my mother's house and found pictures of my sister and I as children. In every picture of my dad, we played spot the beer and cigarette. It made us laugh, and then I thought about that later in the night, and it wasn't so funny. I don't remember a day of my childhood in which my father did not drink. I no longer think of his drinking as a moral issue, or act like he had much choice in the matter. It just reminded me how important it is to not drink. If I can remain sober, my children won't know what it is like to live with a drunk. That keeps me going some days.

Someone said to me that I would never have gotten sober if Lucy hadn't died. I believe that. Lucy's death was the storyline of my drinking. Before that, my father's drinking and subsequent disease was the storyline, and in between there, cheating boyfriends and work and good times and bad times and there was always a storyline that had nothing to do with me liking the feeling of having all my emotions completely obliterated.

I said a prayer today. It was the most simple, most beautiful prayer.

Help me please. Thank you.


  1. Proud of you. And, more importantly, happy for you.

  2. You are giving a gift to your children, I am the child of a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink since my brother and I turned one year old. I never knew my father drunk and I'm grateful for that.

    Good on you, Angie.

  3. simply amazing, both your journey and your writing. I'm a lurker, but just had to say how brave and inspiring you are.

  4. COngratulations on 18 months. That is something really wonderful and amazing. Good on you for changing the story--you must be a writer ;)

  5. I'm proud of you Angie.
    You are moving mountains for your children's future.

    My father was an alcoholic. He died 2 years ago at 56 years young. Thankfully, I didn't know (or remember) too much of him drunk as a young child... but when my sister, brother and I hit our early teen years, he deemed us worthy to witness what he had kept behind closed doors for so long. I really didn't like him drunk... it was like I didn't have my dad with me - just some drunk man who thought he was the life of the party and thought everyone loved.
    Very brave of you. Here is to 18 more months... then to 18 more... and then to the next 18 after that... then to the life you are embracing forever and ever

  6. 18 months is amazing. I may have to borrow your prayer.

    Love to you.

  7. I said a prayer today. It was the most simple, most beautiful prayer.

    Help me please. Thank you.


    I know it well.

    Cathy in Missouri

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    1. Eighteen months - that's so wonderful, Angie! Congratulations. And as always, I love the honesty and clarity in your writing. There's always something so real in your posts that stays with me.

  9. Well done, Angie. You continue to inspire in so many ways.

  10. 1 and a half years! That Is amazing and hard earned. You are doing an awesome job. Keep it up.

  11. Angie, sort of feel like I'm the echo echo echo here:

    I'm proud of you too.

    I do not think I can provide my children with the gift you're giving yours. Because it's not my illness, and not my choice as to whether it's treated or not. My choices feel more like ultimatums that I don't want to issue. All of that said, I find hope in your story. Thank you for that, and for all of the other precious things you've shared with me. I love you

  12. My hubby has been clean and sober for 12 years this Halloween, and it is by the grace of HP and both of our programs (Lois' for me, 8 years) that he didn't drink or use over the loss of our twins last August and I didn't go completely f*cking crazy. Big love to you...and congratulations!


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