Sunday, June 7, 2009

Lazy day

I discovered Etsy this past fall, searching for toys for my two girls for Christmas. Of course, I was proactive, shopped early, expecting a Christmas baby...I bought two perfect little dolls made of wood and acorns--one for Bea and one for Lucy. I bought a blond one for Beatrice, and a little dark haired one for Lucy, imagining that she would have my coloring, my hair...Lucy died Dec.22nd, and those dolls threatened to become hermetically sealed fetish items in our house. They were wrapped, each in the girl's stockings. *sigh*

In a strange moment of hyper cleaning after Lucia's death, I took Lucy's toys, the ones she never got to play with, out of the stocking and just integrated them into the mix. There were only three things: an acorn baby, a chewie elf and her little baby girl sock monkey ornament. (Okay, I know all those things sound like Loopy, Cuckoo Mama gifts, and they totally are, but they are very me.) Of course, I had the desperate, incredibly powerful urge to tuck them away for Lucy, put them in her box to pull out and smell (if only they smelled of my baby), but these are toys that should be played with. I cannot just keep them for the possible theoretical next child, or for my little fetish box of all things Lucy.

Last week, Beatrice has begun asking for the acorn babies. She wants to sleep with them, tuck them in, kiss them, carry them in her "purse". She says in the morning, "Bye, acorn babies. I miss you." And now, I run across all these toys (except the ornament) when I am picking up house. I get sort of this beautiful feeling of having Lucy in all my corners, if that makes sense, instead of only the one I would have put her in.

It gives me this opportunity, this normal part of conversation, where I can say to Bea, "This one is Lucy's acorn baby, and this one is your acorn baby. Because you and Lucy are MY acorn babies." The picture above I took when I headed upstairs to Beatrice's room after my sister and her kids left and Beatrice fell asleep on the big chair for nap. I guess the girls, Bea and my niece Audrey, created a little bed for the babies. There they are, my girls.

I miss Lucy.

Today, there is a sense of full circle in my journey. I have been working with my sister to set up an Etsy shop ourselves. As you may or may not know, I am an identical twin, and my sister quilts. Our shop is called the Kenna Twins. Since Lucy died, I have been painting a great deal, and the paintings that have been most therapeutic have been the babyloss paintings of mizuko jizo scenes and of the emotions I have been going through since my Lucy died. I thought maybe it would help someone else too. I can't tell you how many times I have put babyloss into the search engine of Etsy to have a handful of things come up, mostly memory jewelry...I told you, Lucy's death has made me more brave about my art and my work.

I love today, with its cross breezes, the windchimes going, the sun, the napping dog and girl on opposite ends of my living room. There will always been this beautiful longing for her to be part of all of my scenes--my summer days and their laziness. I don't want her for the events; I want her for a normal day. A normal day of dallying beauty, of contented freedom, of beauty and love of home.


  1. I'm excited to take a look at your shop. I'm certain your items will offer peace to others like us.

    I've never purchased anything on Etsy, but I love to 'window shop.'

    I know you want Lucy, to just hold her and snuggle her. Not for the 'events', because those can be stressful anyway. Just for the tender moments. Those are the most heart wrenching not to have.

    Peace, my friend.

  2. i love those little acorn dolls and so wish that lucy could have played with hers. i wish, wish it were so different.

    i can't wait to see your etsy's a great idea.


  3. I miss your Lucy too.

    And I cherish the gift that arrived on Friday afternoon. I love it. And I don't know where to put it because I want to see it all the time. I want to carry it with me. Thank you.

    I was wondering if you were thinking about branching out with more of your art. I think it is a wondering, and totally right on idea. Etsy is the bomb.

  4. of course, I meant wonderful (not wondering) idea. gah.

  5. I have moments of coming full circle sometimes as well. When I go to a place I was when I was pregnant. Thanks for sharing this story. I was most inspired by this "Lucy's death has made me more brave about my art and my work." I think that my child has made me brave in other ways, so this statement of yours truly resonates with me. Peace.

  6. Those acorn babies are so adorable. It's nice to have little reminders of our babies around us all the time.

  7. "There will always been this beautiful longing for her to be part of all of my scenes--my summer days and their laziness."

    So beautiful, Angie. Brings tears of longing to my eyes, for all of our babies. xo

  8. beautiful, as always, Angie.
    can't wait to see your Etsy shop. xo

  9. Ok, let me know when the shop opens. I would love to have one of your paintings in my home.

    It is beautiful that you have the acorn dolls and Bea plays with them. Like you said, it allows you to speak openly about Lucy. I'm sure that is comforting to be able to talk about her with Bea.

  10. those acorn dolls are too cute- and I am glad Bea can play with bot. Maybe she thinks of her sister too.

    Heading over to etsy.

    I'd love to see a pic of you hard at work!

  11. beautiful angie - I wish Lucy was with you. So so very much. You should have never known this life. None of us should have.

    I love your etsy shop, and have favorited it!

  12. ooh, i totally want to check out your Etsy store.

    i hope those dolls, somehow, can help Bea understand something about the sister who can't be here.

  13. Beautiful Etsy store Angie. I have a horrible Etsy addiction, which is not good when you have to mostly buy in USD! (Our exchange rate is crap).
    And I will always miss Lucy with you.

  14. i don't really have any words of wisdom or comfort or humor today but just wanted you to know i was reading and thinking about you.

  15. Always remembering & missing Lucy with you. Much love.

  16. that sounds awesome angie. etsy is so great. your painting must be really healing- makes me think about taking some time out to do some art that could help me.

    i missed your blog- i've been away for a bit, i need to get back to my babylost friends...i've missed you all!

  17. Welcome to etsy! I also 'live' there when I am 'grandy and baa.' My sewing has been an outlet since Alice died, althoug some days its hard to muster the energy needed.

    And I am missing your Lucy with you too. Missing them all, our precious babies.

  18. What beautiful little dolls.

    I'm going to pick up on the same thread as Paige.
    "There will always been this beautiful longing for her to be part of all of my scenes--my summer days and their laziness. I don't want her for the events; I want her for a normal day".

    You write so beautifully. I do so wish you could have your Lucy back for a normal day.

    I often think about how often I say my living daughter's name, how it is part of my normal days, how it comes out of my mouth so naturally. I feel like I should go into a darkened room and say her sister's name over and over again to even things up a bit.

    I didn't know you were a twin. I'm sad that my girl won't ever get to do things with her twin sister. I love Etsy, I'm off to go and look at your shop. xx

  19. Love the etsy shop and your jizo paintings are beautiful. I dabble in painting too and understand how it helps (at least a little) - my avatar pic is a painting I made after I lost my daughter. Be brave with your art and keep painting!!!


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