Lazy day

I discovered Etsy this past fall, searching for toys for my two girls for Christmas. Of course, I was proactive, shopped early, expecting a Christmas baby...I bought two perfect little dolls made of wood and acorns--one for Bea and one for Lucy. I bought a blond one for Beatrice, and a little dark haired one for Lucy, imagining that she would have my coloring, my hair...Lucy died Dec.22nd, and those dolls threatened to become hermetically sealed fetish items in our house. They were wrapped, each in the girl's stockings. *sigh*

In a strange moment of hyper cleaning after Lucia's death, I took Lucy's toys, the ones she never got to play with, out of the stocking and just integrated them into the mix. There were only three things: an acorn baby, a chewie elf and her little baby girl sock monkey ornament. (Okay, I know all those things sound like Loopy, Cuckoo Mama gifts, and they totally are, but they are very me.) Of course, I had the desperate, incredibly powerful urge to tuck them away for Lucy, put them in her box to pull out and smell (if only they smelled of my baby), but these are toys that should be played with. I cannot just keep them for the possible theoretical next child, or for my little fetish box of all things Lucy.

Last week, Beatrice has begun asking for the acorn babies. She wants to sleep with them, tuck them in, kiss them, carry them in her "purse". She says in the morning, "Bye, acorn babies. I miss you." And now, I run across all these toys (except the ornament) when I am picking up house. I get sort of this beautiful feeling of having Lucy in all my corners, if that makes sense, instead of only the one I would have put her in.

It gives me this opportunity, this normal part of conversation, where I can say to Bea, "This one is Lucy's acorn baby, and this one is your acorn baby. Because you and Lucy are MY acorn babies." The picture above I took when I headed upstairs to Beatrice's room after my sister and her kids left and Beatrice fell asleep on the big chair for nap. I guess the girls, Bea and my niece Audrey, created a little bed for the babies. There they are, my girls.

I miss Lucy.

Today, there is a sense of full circle in my journey. I have been working with my sister to set up an Etsy shop ourselves. As you may or may not know, I am an identical twin, and my sister quilts. Our shop is called the Kenna Twins. Since Lucy died, I have been painting a great deal, and the paintings that have been most therapeutic have been the babyloss paintings of mizuko jizo scenes and of the emotions I have been going through since my Lucy died. I thought maybe it would help someone else too. I can't tell you how many times I have put babyloss into the search engine of Etsy to have a handful of things come up, mostly memory jewelry...I told you, Lucy's death has made me more brave about my art and my work.

I love today, with its cross breezes, the windchimes going, the sun, the napping dog and girl on opposite ends of my living room. There will always been this beautiful longing for her to be part of all of my scenes--my summer days and their laziness. I don't want her for the events; I want her for a normal day. A normal day of dallying beauty, of contented freedom, of beauty and love of home.