Saturday, May 12, 2012
I cannot tell you what the notes, condolences, comments, and the emails we have received have meant to us. We feel held. We feel loved. We know we are not going through this alone. Thank you. Oh, loves, thank you.
I lost enough blood during the miscarriage to be still quite weak. As I physically heal, I am just very present with this grief and this broken old body. It helps. It is helping to deal with the immediacy of my physical suffering. I know that it will transition to something else when I am alone with my head and the hormonal changes, but for now, it is a small gift to be there.
With my lack of energy, I am channeling all this grief energy into a project for another grieving mama. God, that gift helps so immensely. I meditated tonglen yesterday. Sometimes, it is easier to do tonglen when you are suffering, in my experience, because I can start from that place of saying, "Because I feel this way, I know others feel this way. May I feel it so others do not have to feel it." Sometimes the suffering is so self-absorbing, that you cannot get out of your own suffering. Then the meditation should be for yourself. I am not there, thankfully. Gratefully.
As always, the most difficult aspect is watching Beezus grieve. We are holding each other, sleeping together, crying, and talking about Lucia more. But she misses this little baby that never was. To Beezus, she was a sister already. As I can find comfort and solace in science, statistics about miscarriage and early loss, and all those swirling adult things, Beezus lost her little sister. Again. She is so much bigger this time, and I can see all her grief in those tears. I hold her, my eyes welling up despite myself.
I know, mijita, I know. It is unfair.
We buried the baby last night under Lucia's tree. We lit a fire in our small fire pit and dusted it with sage and cedar, sea salt. I prayed for comfort and release from grief for my children. We read a prayer that I love. Hopi Prayer for the Soul's Graduation. Chris and Lani shared it for Silas' memorial, and it felt right last night. I cried, for the first time overtaken by tears completely, letting her be the wind. The dew. The swift uplifting rush of quiet birds. Little Lucia too. It seemed for her too.
Thank you for your thoughts at this time. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and surrounded by a white light in your mind.
I also would like to select a winner from the last giveaway post for Still Standing. The winner is RENEL! Renel email me, so I can paint your meditating mama or an enso or whatever you would like. It will help me. I promise.