Saturday, May 12, 2012

thank you


I cannot tell you what the notes, condolences, comments, and the emails we have received have meant to us. We feel held. We feel loved. We know we are not going through this alone. Thank you. Oh, loves, thank you.

I lost enough blood during the miscarriage to be still quite weak. As I physically heal, I am just very present with this grief and this broken old body. It helps. It is helping to deal with the immediacy of my physical suffering. I know that it will transition to something else when I am alone with my head and the hormonal changes, but for now, it is a small gift to be there.

With my lack of energy, I am channeling all this grief energy into a project for another grieving mama. God, that gift helps so immensely. I meditated tonglen yesterday. Sometimes, it is easier to do tonglen when you are suffering, in my experience, because I can start from that place of saying, "Because I feel this way, I know others feel this way. May I feel it so others do not have to feel it." Sometimes the suffering is so self-absorbing, that you cannot get out of your own suffering. Then the meditation should be for yourself. I am not there, thankfully. Gratefully.

As always, the most difficult aspect is watching Beezus grieve. We are holding each other, sleeping together, crying, and talking about Lucia more. But she misses this little baby that never was. To Beezus, she was a sister already. As I can find comfort and solace in science, statistics about miscarriage and early loss, and all those swirling adult things, Beezus lost her little sister. Again. She is so much bigger this time, and I can see all her grief in those tears. I hold her, my eyes welling up despite myself.

I know, mijita, I know. It is unfair.

We buried the baby last night under Lucia's tree. We lit a fire in our small fire pit and dusted it with sage and cedar, sea salt. I prayed for comfort and release from grief for my children. We read a prayer that I love. Hopi Prayer for the Soul's Graduation. Chris and Lani shared it for Silas' memorial, and it felt right last night. I cried, for the first time overtaken by tears completely, letting her be the wind. The dew. The swift uplifting rush of quiet birds. Little Lucia too. It seemed for her too.

Thank you for your thoughts at this time. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and surrounded by a white light in your mind.

I also would like to select a winner from the last giveaway post for Still Standing. The winner is RENEL! Renel email me, so I can paint your meditating mama or an enso or whatever you would like. It will help me. I promise.

14 comments:

  1. (stupid blogger ate my first comment).

    I continue to think of you daily, and send you all the love and strength I have.

    Thinking of you and all of your beautiful family.

    xo

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  2. I love how the term tonglen means giving and taking, and how this is the perfect example of the universe's way of both giving and taking away -- sometimes when it's too soon and it breaks a family's heart. Holding you in my heart.

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  3. Love to all of you. And extra big sister love to Beezus. It must be hard to be able to understand, but not yet all the way.

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  4. I have tears for too many mamas these days. Your sadness is gripping on my heart. I wish I could swoop you up and fly you through the clouds. I know we would both be smiling, in spite of loss, in spite if grief. I wish we could be buoyed by the wind as it flowed through our hair and we could feel only lightness and love. I really love that Hopi prayer. I am so sorry that beezus's heart is so broken too. I know we want to protect their hearts.
    I wish I could protect yours too. Imagine cool soft mud from the earth coating and soothing your heart, soft ferns and baby tears arch over your heart protecting it. I am far but I am close. Holding your hand. Wiping your tears. I'll meet you at the BLM village fire and we will cry together.

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  5. I've been thinking of you and your family do very often, Angie. I just wish there was more to do or say than "I'm sorry." But I really, truly am.

    So much love to you and your family.
    xo

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  6. Angie I am just now learning of your loss.. and sending my sincerest sympathy and love. Light and peace to you my friend... always.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss and what you went through. Thinking of you Angie (*hugs*)

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  8. Thinking of you, Angie - love you. xo

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  9. Thinking of you, sending hugs

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  10. Abiding with you. Please give Beezus my love as well. I know what it's like to lose a sister and then more siblings. I used to sing Somewhere Out There a lot. I hope you all find peace.

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  11. I've been thinking of you everyday, and my heart aches for Beatrice, too. Wishing you peace and strength in the days to come.

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  12. I just keep thinking of you, Angie, and of your family - my heart goes out to Beezus, struggling with her grief, and to you, grieving and watching that struggle, too. Sending you all love.

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  13. This is difficult to admit but I have stayed away from your blog for a bit because I had just lost my baby at 11 weeks as you were announcing your pregnancy. When I popped back today I was devastated for you, knowing Exactly how you feel. I dont know what to say, really, but I do know that having other people acknowledge my baby and say they were thinking of us has been and is a true comfort. So, I am thinking of you all, and I am so sorry your little one had to leave so soon.
    Valerie
    xxx

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  14. Tears for you & for Beezus as I read this. ("Just" a miscarriage? I think not... :p) Much love to you & yours.

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