Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The day after

All of my words and energy feels used up in one moment. Gone. Then, renewed, I remember. I become a raw nerve ending--a ball of frenetic energy.

Pace the floor.
Send flowers.
Make food.
Hold my baby.
Light a candle.
Count to ten.
Write a list.
Do addition.
Look at the blog again.
Check FB.
Get some water.
Ask the same questions over and over.
Close my eyes.
Open them.
Check her blog.

Nothing will erase the hours since I heard. I will never make sense of our losses. I will wrap my daughter's death in a mythology that appeases me, but I will never make sense of it logically or emotionally.


Everyone seems tongue-tied right now.

Afraid to say the wrong thing. Afraid to say anything. In some ways, I feel like what the rest of my world must have felt when Lucy died. Inadequate. Privileged. Helpless. My instinct is to do. I can't even call anyone to say, "Let's organize some casseroles, people." I have learned some valuable things since Lucia died, not least of which is to sit and listen and weep and be. But even that seems impossible right now. Impossible.


I have had this constant refrain. Three. Three. My utter disbelief is shocking to me. Am I so desperate to find meaning in the world that I cannot process something so cruel, so chaotic, so random? In some ways, this is how I felt after Lucy died, like my entire understanding of the universe has been shattered. I felt small and vulnerable. I shook and became afraid. It makes me question all the reality I know. It makes me weigh logic and emotions in such a detached way that I have chilled my own core. I want a moment of clarity right now. A peek into a bigger picture. Something, anything, but this fucking abyss.


  1. I feel the same way. I'm even doing the same things. When Zoe, died, I would catch myself, about to believe it could be ok. But I would remember, Zoe died. It will never be okay.
    It's the same now. Mirne's third baby died. He was here and now he's not. That is not okay. Three. Three? Three!

  2. yes, you said it all for me angie. i can't really get find the words and i know that's probably why so many people didn't say anything to me when lev died. what do you say? when it's all just so fucking horrific and unbelievable.

  3. I keep hoping it will turn out to be one huge horrific hoax. It's so impossibly wrong that it can't possibly be true.

  4. I have been trying - and failing - to process my own thoughts and feeling ... and then I read here what I have been unable to express.

    I just feel so helpless in the face
    of such horror.

  5. I know, I feel those raw emotions of anger that I felt when Sam died. Questioning everything and wondering why. I'm crushed.

  6. It honestly makes no sense. I too want to see the bigger picture. I just dont understand why babies are continuing to die. WHY GOD????

  7. I'm understanding now a bit how our friends and family must have felt/still feeling in the days after Isla's death. Completely helpless and wanting so desperately to right this wrong.

    I really don't know how to process this. After losing my own child, I started questioning my relationship with God, my spirituality, etc. and just when I thought I might be getting a handle on my beliefs, this happens, and now I just really can't make sense of the world. The cruel, cruel world. WHY?!

  8. I can't wrap my mind around this. I can't wrap my mind around one, let alone three. I have to admit that I thought similarly to Barbara. I thought a hoax would be easier to swallow than this. I wish it were just a hoax. But I have read for too many months and I know it's not. Her babies were here. And now all we can do is remember them.

  9. Can i just ditto your whole post? I mean, I had this naive and foolish idea that tragedy can only be so cruel - and hadn't they been dealt enough cruelness already? Of course they would have their happy ending. It just literally takes my breath away, imagining what Mirne and Craig are living right now. Horrific.

    And it terrifies me, terrifies me to think, what if I lose this baby as well. You think everything is fine, you relax and then its all taken away again. That being card carrying members of this shitty club doesn't make us immune from future sadness.

    I wish Mirne and Craig could wake up from this nightmare...

  10. "In some ways, I feel like what the rest of my world must have felt when Lucy died." I had this exact thought, this is how other people felt when I lost my girls.

  11. I wish it was a hoax. I wish it was a dream. I wish I woke up and found this was happening to someone else. But it's not. It's happened to me and to Craig. And now we have to burn up our little Jet. GOD, LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH.

  12. Yes to all of this.

    And, for what it's worth, I think there is still hope and joy and love in the world Angie. It is hard to see it at the moment, but it's still there. xx


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