Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Today I was going to blog about my husband. It is our wedding anniversary today, and we have been married three amazing years.

But I just cannot.

I am bereft. So sad. The world is fucking unjust and horrible. And I have been sitting here in this semi-frantic state since I woke up and read the news that Mirne's third baby Jet died. I just want to run door to door and tell everyone. I want to scream from the top of our tallest buildings and say, "Fuck you, universe. You want to rumble? Bring it on."

I want to tell the world about Kees and Freyja and Jet. Their delicate beauty. The struggles their parents have been through. I want the world to know that just because we have had a tragedy, it doesn't mean we are immune from suffering. That no one can promise a live, healthy baby, no matter how much we deserve it. It is so unfair. It is supposed to be different. All of it.

I have to be honest. I had pure trust and hope. Even though I believe the world is a random chaotic shitstorm, I sometimes am given to bouts of hope and trust and thinking the universe is a just place. When I read Mirne's blog, I would sometimes pray, "Please, God, give her this perfect, living child. Give her no more suffering, God. Let her baby grow up to call her everyday with words of appreciation and love, and be strong and fit and beautiful and charming." Some part of me felt like it was impossible for her to suffer more. God and I have a strange relationship. I don't often pray. But I admit, I prayed for Mirne and Craig. I thought maybe, maybe if there is a God he can see that it is rare I ask. Spare Mirne and Craig from more suffering. Spare them.

I know there are no words of comfort. None of this is right or fair. But if Mirne reads this, I hope she knows we are here. All of us who grieve our children miss Jet, Freyja and Kees. All of us hold Mirne and Craig close. I wish I could come and sit and cry with you, Mirne. Sorry does not begin to describe how I feel, and yet, it is what I have. I am so so sorry. I will weep for your babies for the rest of my days.

As Bir wrote on Facebook, I feel so inadequate. Yes. I feel so fucking inadequate.


  1. I share your tears Angie. I just wish this wasn't true.
    I feel sick to my core and utterly helpless.

  2. I am floored! I often prayed the same prayer, for Mirne and Craig. I could not imagine that they could lose this one. It is not fair. I have no idea what happened.

  3. Oh no. Oh no.

    This is just impossibly, impossibly sad.

    Oh how I wish they could have been spared this.

  4. i'm sick to my stomach. i can't believe it. this is so sad and so unfair. i want to scream.

  5. I don't want to believe it. I want to believe it is some sick sick joke.

    It is so wrong.

  6. I'm sitting here with my sister and we're both weeping for Mirne and Craig. It's too, too awful.

  7. I can't stop crying - this is just so fucking wrong.

  8. Me too Angie... word for word. Right down to the anniversary bit..

  9. i feel sick. i can't believe this happened. is there anything we can do for them? other than cry and remember with them?

  10. I want to scream with sorrow. I am in complete shock. I can't even begin to imagine anything that would lessen the pain.

    What do you do when you're faced with the unfaceable not once, but three times?

  11. Just sick with shock. I can't imagine their pain - to endure this THREE times.

  12. I'm still reeling, and crying, and wishing I could do more than this for them.

  13. so unbelievable. i feel sick and shaken to my core.

    recently i have been thinking that i really just don't believe in god or prayer anymore. i just don't. i can't. and this reaffirms it for me. it is so fucking unfair. i just can't believe it.

    we will always remember jet and his brother and sister. forever.

    so much love to you mirne and craig

  14. I am in complete shock...I can not believe this happened to poor Mirne & Craig a third time. I thought there is no way they would lose this baby, and it happened. I just don't understand...All of my problems are so minor compared to the suffering they have endured. My heart is broken for them.


What do you think?