Mizuko Jizo

Not surprisingly, I have been fascinated with rituals surrounding the death of children in other societies. I think Americans think they know about death, because we watch shows like Law & Order and CSI, but we really don't talk about grief. We hide it away, expect people to be normal when we are uncomfortable or are out of things to say. As a culture, we just don't have many rituals surrounding death and grief. I mean, sure, there are neighborhoods where you see some calaveras around Dia de los Muertos, but as a culture, women dress in sexy cat suits for our one ritual about death.

As I have heard many wise babylost women say, wouldn't it be wonderful if wearing all black for a year meant something instead of a fanatical devotion to the Cure? Wouldn't it be something if we walked around veiled, not expected to attend weddings, and baby showers, and picnics, and theater? What happened to the mourning period? What happened to the black arm band? And privately, I have agreed, nodded my head. As someone not affiliated (read: I don't attend church, synagogue, temple, ashram, or anywhere specifically to pray), I miss a place to go to find counsel in my loss. It wasn't too long after Lucy died, that I remembered a book I read a long time ago, in my "before" time. Thankfully, I covet books, and don't usually throw them out, give them away, sell them, or anything which would prevent them from being within arm's reach if I should want to reference an obscure sentence I recall reading once about Spiro Agnew's "pusillanimous pussyfooters" quote. Incidentally, that sentence is in this blog post to use in an eventual argument with Sam about why we have so many books about Richard Nixon in our house.

In Waiting for Daisy, Peggy Orenstein discusses her struggle with infertility. After a number of miscarriages, she finds herself in Japan struggling to come to terms with all her losses, her infertility, her quest to become a mother...it is a good memoir. In it, she talks about Mizuko Jizo and the rituals surrounding baby loss--miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion. I am going to quote her, because she is brilliant:

I had never before considered that there was no ritual acknowledging (baby loss)in Western culture, no Hallmark card to 'celebrate the moment.'...Then I remembered Jizo. Of course the Buddhists would have a ritual for pregnancy loss; they're famously good at death.

Jizo is technically a bodhisattva primarily associated with the dead. A Bodhisattva is a person who attains enlightenment; that is, released from the fetters of the cycle of birth and rebirth, but returns to the cycle (is born again) to help others achieve enlightenment. It is considered the height of compassion, since samsara is suffering. Sorry if you know this, I just don't want to assume anything. Mizuko is technically translated as "water child," because Buddhists believed that "existence flows into being slowly, like liquid." Mizuko kuyo is a ritual surrounding miscarried, stillborn and aborted fetuses. It is a ritual of apology and remembrance. I love that apology is in there. Even though rationally, we all know there is nothing we could have done to prevent our baby's death, we still struggle with guilt, and so the idea of apologizing to our babies is so amazingly comforting to me. The ritual itself is performed in many ways--lighting candles, a letter of apology and remembrance, an offering of toys, food, water, or flowers...it can be done once or many times.

I love reading about mizuko kuyo and mizuko jizo. One thing I read was the Jizo hid the babies in his long sleeve to protect the baby from hell. I don't know why, but the image of Jizo hiding the baby in his sleeve is just so comforting to me...still, I have wanted a ritual and here is one. A few months ago, Aliza wrote about her experience with a Mizuko Kuyo. It sounded amazingly healing. I am intrigued with the idea of having some place to go--a hillside with a multitude of Jizo statues, a park for lost children...perhaps a place like San Francisco has this, but it certainly isn't prevalent, is it?

Sam and I have wanted to create a ritual to grieve Lucy, and place to go, so we ordered a Jizo statue for our garden. We are planning our place of honouring our baby Lucy, and Jizo. But I have been painting Jizo pictures for a while...above is one I recently did called Lucy and Mizuko Jizo. If you are interested, another place I have read about Mizuko Jizo is Finding Hope When a Child Dies.