Friday, January 15, 2010

Yesterday

"And your second daughter was stillborn when?"
"December 2008."
"Heaven must have needed another angel."

My lips tighten into a strong, polite purse, and I force a nod. Do they tell all L&D nurses to say this shit to grieving women? Still, she is kind with a warm smile. Patient with my impatience.


"I'm sorry to bother you, but does my husband have to come now? Is this dire? Or fairly routine to be in the hospital for hours?"
"This is a no-apology zone, Angie. No more sorries. We are here to care for you and your little boy. Please complain if you want to complain. This is not dire. Do you have anyone to watch your little girl?"
"We could scramble if we need to. Do we need to?"
"Not just yet. You are fine. Your boy is moving a ton, and I can tell nothing is wrong with him by his wiggles. Zing us if you want anything, especially if you feel these contractions. They are coming every two minutes."
"I am not much of a complainer and I have a high tolerance for pain. I don't feel anything."

I am at their mercy now. I know they are overreacting to some elevated blood pressure, which wouldn't be high for other women, but is high for me of low blood pressure. I know we are fine, and yet, I would never contradict care and monitoring for this baby. I explain to them that I ran three blocks before getting my blood pressure taken. I explain that the cuff does not fit properly. I explain to them that I have been to three appointments today. I explain that I haven't had enough water, or food.  I think of Occum's Razor and let them put an IV in my arm, refuse me meals, monitor Thor for seven hours. Impervious to the obvious, we search for the worst case scenario and try to fix it.

"Your cervix is closed."
"So, now that my blood pressure is down, the contractions are slowing, all my blood work has come back clear, and my cervix is closed. Will I go home?"
"We are going to wait for another few hours to make sure your cervix is really closed."
"Okay. Do what you must."

Are you doing this for me? For you? For Thor? For malpractice? Or for all of the above? Circle one. Am I in danger? Can you be honest? Can you not underestimate my ability to deal with giving birth at 27 weeks? I have been expecting this to happen since there was a small pink little "pregnant" in a small little window. I overhear them with a woman who is at 35 weeks. She is there because she feels funny. Her baby isn't moving as much. 

"Okay, we think it is time to get this baby out. Your baby isn't moving like we want him to be moving. We are going to do an emergency C-section. You need to get your husband here."
"But now? Can't we wait another hour? I don't want to have a C-section."
"We should be seeing more movement after 20 minutes. His heart rate decelerated a few times. We think the time is now."

Tell her her baby is going to die if you don't do a C-section. Tell her. Tell her to sign a paper knowing her baby will die if you don't get him out. Stop with the euphemisms. She doesn't understand. A C-section seems like the worst thing to her right now. Tell her that she will recover from the C-section, but that she won't ever recover from the death of her child, especially if she refuses to get him out.Tell her that her child can die even right now while he is on a monitor. Even while she is watching.

After they convince her it is now, they roll her away.  I watch Pretty Woman and wait. I feel Thor kick and turn. He is breach, I found out yesterday, but he is good. I am good, except for a slightly elevated blood pressure, which will now be monitored often. Thor is measuring three weeks ahead of schedule, which sort of bodes well for getting him out at 37 weeks. I stare at the little 3-D image of my son in my belly that I received earlier in the day as the rhythm of his heartbeat echos in the curtained room. I have never had one of these pictures of any of my children. His nose is crooked and turned up, like Beatrice's nose, and his lips are like all my babies. They are like my lips.


"This is all for you, Thor. I would endure months of sitting in this bed, uncomfortable, knowing that I do not have to be here, if it means I get to kiss that nose every day of my life. Well, every day until you leave and make your way in the world. And when you call home, I will say to you, 'I wish I could kiss your nose, Mijo.' And you, exasperated and happy, will sigh, 'Mooooom.'"

42 comments:

  1. Oh Angie...what a difficult experience for you to go through. I hope you and sweet little Thor are both doing well. Hang in there little one!!!! xx

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  2. JHC - Oh Angie. Thank you for letting us know. What an ordeal, I'm glad you're ok and Thor is ok.

    Big hug
    Ines

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  3. Ah hon, Sorry you had to go through this. (I probably would have been no help yesterday as Mr. was out of town, but feel free to call in the future if you'd like/need company, I'm not that far away.) Sometimes in retrospect I don't know which is worse: what happened to us/the baby directly, or the lingering feeling of what was said -- either the blather about angles or the poor woman next door who has no idea about the hell that could engulf her at any given moment. It boggles.

    Hang tough, mama and Thor.

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  4. That should obvs read "Angels" -- I take it the nurse wasn't trying to explain the Pythagorean theorem.

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  5. Wow, that sounds scary. I'm so glad you are at home now (you are home right?) and things are okay for now.
    I wish I could trust my instinct the way you seem to..
    Much love to you Ang.

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  6. Thinking of you, Angie! Sending much love your way.

    xo

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  7. angie, shit.

    Are you there? Are you home? Hoping you and everyone are ok. Hang tough. And know we are all sending powerful good vibes your way.

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  8. wow... I'm completely tense just reading about this experience.. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you actually doing it. I hope everything is ok now. And I tired very quickly of the "God needed and angel" statement. You know, pretty much, oh I'd say, ONCE was too many times. God didn't need another angel, he's got plenty, *I* needed her.

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  9. I need to stop reading blogs at work. I'm all sappy again. The thought of Thor all grown up and happily objecting to his mommy's kisses got me. Oh how I am looking forward to that day for you.

    I'm sorry to hear about your blood pressure and your scary day, but I am glad you are being so closely monitored. It sounds like Thor is giving you some reassurance of his own, and the bigger the better! Grow baby grow! I can't wait to see that little nose.

    It infuriates me when doctors sugar coat things for pregnant women. Maybe if someone actually said to a pregnant patient your baby could possibly die, more people would understand how fragile life is and how luck they are when the have a healthy baby who is born alive.

    Although, I remember the doctor telling me the day Isla died that even if he delivered her, her odds of survival were low. I still couldn't believe she could possibly die. Not me, not my baby. I long for that innocence.

    Don't even get me started on the angels!

    Love to you and Thor! xoxo

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  10. Oh Dear... what a day you had to go through. I hope you are both doing fine today. Sending Love & Hugs! xx

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  11. Oh my days Angie. I am so glad that you and Thor are alright.

    Here's to a future jam-packed with nose kissing xo

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  12. Heaven does not need any more angels.

    Angie, I'm so sorry you had a stressful day at the hospital, I'm so glad you and Thor are ok!

    Yeah, the euphemisms of medical professionals are bothersome sometimes. I think they do it to keep the patient from becoming too hysterical for the doctors and nurses to do their job. It took hours before the words "incompatible with life" were said and I finally understood.

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  13. Oh- my. Sending good vibes your way. Glad to hear everything settled down and they are watching you and baby Thor carefully. Healthy, healthy, good thoughts...

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  14. Yes, all, I am home, okay a bit shell-shocked from a long day and night. I got home at 10:30 p last night, which is a good two plus hours after my bedtime. I will be monitored a lot more frequently for high blood pressure and protein though everything ended up normalizing after a few hours. They were concerned because i was having very regular contractions every two minutes. Thank you for all the love and support.

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  15. Glad you are home, and all is ok.
    x

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  16. Glad you and Thor are doing well.

    I am sending good vibes your way for a safe delivery and a lifetime of kisses to the nose.

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  17. Angie I remember sitting in the hospital with similar blood pressure woes. I people watched a lot too and felt similarly. It was hard to watch someone resisting a c-section even though she'd been told the blood flow through the cord was intermittant.

    I'm so glad you are okay and little Thor is strong and thumping away. So glad that they are taking good care of you too by watching you closely.

    xx

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  18. My lands...on first read I didn't catch that the C-section conversation was happening with someone else, and thought this was going to be a very different kind of post.

    So relieved that you and Thor are doing just fine. You are a strong, brave Mama.

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  19. Understandably you are shell-shocked. Angie my heart is with you and Thor right now...sending the love across the miles.

    xoxo

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  20. I know this is just me and one of my (many, many) issues, but I see the words "slightly elevated blood pressure" and I start to shift over to freak out mode. Which, I'm sure, is not exactly helpful for you.

    Check in with us, okay?

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  21. sounds like a *fun* day at L&D. And hey, what's a wee bit more attentiveness and blood pressure monitoring (besides stressful and blood pressure-raising?)

    And Thor is probably already rolling his eyes at you :)

    hang tough

    (and I would think a L&D nurse would know better!?!?)

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  22. I'm glad you and Thor are home and sorry you had such a shitty day.

    Hanging on for you.

    xxx

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  23. Shit Angie. Brings it all back for me, with the couple of visits I had to emergency in the pregnancy with Angus. Itoo overheard a few conversations like that - made me want to tear the curtains down between us and scream at them.
    And my god, I can't believe the nurse dumped the angel shit on you.
    Hold tight Angie. Hold tight Thor.
    We're all here for you.
    xo

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  24. Oh, Angie, that sounds so scary. I hope it's nothing and that you're not too uncomfortable. Hang in there, Thor!!! Oh, and how the f could an omnipotent, infallible god "need" another angel. grrr...

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  25. stress dot com.

    I'm glad you are all back home safe.

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  26. sending some hugs angie! take care of yourself..

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  27. sending some hugs angie! take care of yourself..

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  28. First, whew! So, so glad you are home and that Thor is doing so well. The angel comment makes me want to explode. The very idea...it just turns my stomach.
    And the misguided mom behind the curtain...I am so with you. I don't know if I could have stopped myself from telling her, from scaring the ever loving shit out of her to make her SEE what could go wrong. And it just stuns me that the docs and nurses don't use those words, YOUR BABY COULD DIE, if you don't deliver NOW. It boggles the mind, truly.
    Keeping you and Thor in my heart and in my thoughts.
    xxoo

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  29. Yipes. Woof. I am so sorry you had to live any of this yesterday- or hear any of what you heard, for that matter. Glad you and Thor are home safe and sound. Hope you're sleeping now.

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  30. Lots of Reiki and supportive vibes to you and Thor across the virtual waves... xo k-

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  31. Heaven needed another angel was said to me at Christian's funeral. People have good in their heart when they say it. But hell I hate hearing that.

    Love you Angie. So glad you and Thor are at home with your beautiful family.

    x

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  32. Someone said to my mum at my brother's funeral "Heaven needed another little angel," and she told me it took all her strength of will not to say: "No it fucking didn't" and my mother never swears.
    So glad you and Thor are ok and please, please keep us posted xxxx

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  33. Hey there! Out of town and just read your post- sending you love and calming ,good vibes Angie.
    I am so glad that you both are okay.
    Much love from below the Mason Dixon.
    slee

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  34. The whole "needing an angel" BS drives me mad. Why do people feel the need to say things like that???

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  35. oy vey, angie. sounds awful. you sound very calm and self-aware about the whole thing, tho it sucks and is surely not easy. lots of love to you. xo

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  36. Thinking of you. Hope everything is ok.

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  37. oh angie. i'm sorry you had to be in the hospital and have nurses say that stupid shit to you. but i am glad that you and thor are doing well and in some ways it sounds reassuring to have all that time listening to his heartbeat and feel him moving around.

    sending you love
    xoxo

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  38. I'm very glad you and Thor are okay and home. May he continue to grow and thrive and wriggle right through the third trimester.

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  39. Glad you are home again & doing OK. I think listening to those sorts of comments/conversations must have been worth a few extra points on the bp monitor.

    I was on a (non-loss/IF) message board once, & there was a pregnant woman on there who was being monitored for high bp. She was totally nonchalant about it, & only in the last week or so of her pregnancy did she post about her dr lecturing her -- "Hey, this high bp is serious stuff!" DUH. I was terrified for her & I posted back stuff like "Glad you're being monitored, please listen to your dr," but I didn't want to be too blunt about it. Maybe I should have been. (In the end, the baby was fine, of course.)

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  40. i HATE that heaven needed an angel line. it makes me want to scream.

    I am so glad to read that you and Thor are okay. keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there!

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  41. I am glad to hear that you and Thor are doing ok! I hope it stays that way! I don't like that angel in Heaven line either.

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