Monday, April 27, 2009

The moon

I am in a funk. And not the cool kind where you invent dance moves. The bad kind. Where you have forgotten exactly how long it has been since you washed your hair.

Today, I watched three + hours of In Treatment rather than say, uh, write, meditate, stretch, clean, read, cry, draw, make art, exercise...be a productive member of society. The entirety of Beatrice's naptime spent in an uncomfortable chair drinking Pellegrino after Pellegrino, NOT thinking about Lucy, Beatrice, my house, my laundry, my anything. Not appreciating this amazing weather. Just zoning out. Trying to forget my stupid fucking reality.

Just as I finished that sentence, Beatrice ran up to me. "Moon, Mami, moon."
"Moon?"
"Yeah, Mama, the moon. Outside. Come."
And I debated whether or not to go. I really wanted to keep bitching about how blah I feel. I get a ton of requests like this in the evening from my two year old. Repeated. Over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like such an ass for not jumping up every time, not answering every question, not following every wild goose chase, not doing everything she wants. I want to savor and appreciate every minute with her, but sometimes Mama just needs a break. I am so exhausted from being interested in every thing she does all day. But she said, "Mama, moon. Come."

And I got up off my fat ass and followed her. A little reluctantly, shuffling my feet. And she pointed to the door, and we opened it up. Beatrice in just her little diaper, and me in my jammies. We stepped outside, and she pointed. "Moon."

And it took my breath away. The moon was so incredibly beautiful. Just a sliver in the sky, but bright and big. The stars illuminated all around. The night air warm and welcome. It looked like it was winking, and I thought of Lucy, and Beatrice.

"Thank you, Beatrice, for sharing the moon."
"Pretty, mama."
"Yes, love, it is beautiful."

I am humbled by the moments when I am present, and ashamed of the moments I have missed.

10 comments:

  1. It sounds to me like you're doing well just to respond sometimes, Ang. Go easy on yourself and enjoy the moon when you can.

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  2. beautiful. i also glimpsed the sliver new moon last night. it was good to witness some beauty. and it's ok to get a break from it all too. i watch a movie every night, for 8 months, everynight. sometimes we just need too escape, even if it's only for a few hours.

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  3. What a sweet moment you shared with the Universe and Beatrice.

    I don't think it is such a bad thing to slip into a zone where you can stop thinking about the hundreds of thoughts zipping through your head. I try to take time for this everyday by messing around in the garden, watching TV, or reading fun novels.

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  4. Sigh. Own the funk Angie...you owe it to yourself to truly feel the emotions that are coming up for you...whether its awe at the beauty of the moon, or deep despair. Just allowing myself to feel it all is the only way I've survived this thus far. xoxo

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  5. I often feel quite guilty for not following L.O.'s every whim. It's as if I feel I have to make up for her not having a sibling to play with.
    It's hard enough to lose a child, but to be there for your living children when you are full of grief yourself can feel impossible.
    Keep your head up,
    xoxo Lindsay

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  6. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading this post.

    "Thank you, Beatrice, for sharing the moon."
    "Pretty, mama."
    "Yes, love, it is beautiful."

    Sounds like such a special, magical moment. I'm glad you shared it together.

    xo

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  7. I completely missed Bella age 2.5 to 3.5. Completely. I can't tell you a thing that happened to Bella in '07. There are no photos, I couldn't tell you what progress she made other than using the toilet. It was a phantom year. I can only hope that somehow, in some way, it made her a more compassionate and understanding child.

    Go easy on you.

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  8. Its difficult to be present isn't it? I was just feeling that way this weekend - that I'm cheating my older daughter (who's also 2) - by just not being present for her. I mean, I'm there, I'm interacting, but i'm just not present. I wonder how it will affect her, having a physical, but vacant mom...

    This story really says something beautiful about what you've already taught Beatrice though, and you need to commend yourself for that...at 2 to recognize and appreciate real beauty? That is a gift - a gift you have given her.

    Be gentle..

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  9. Oh Angie,

    What a special moment. This is one of those "oh yes" posts for me. Every word I could have written. What struck me was that Bea *wanted* you to share that beautiful moon - she knew you'd appreciate the beauty. I think that says a lot of lovely things about your relationship with her.

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  10. It can be so hard to be present, yet so rewarding when we are. If only we could kick ourselves in the butt and get off the computer (maybe that's just me) so we can experience more of what life reveals to us through our children - both living and not.

    Peace.

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