Day 1 - A Song

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.

There is something about the slacker generation, Generation X, or whatever you call it, that seems to take music like some kind of quick overview of one's personality. What kind of music do you like? What are the five albums you are stranded on a deserted island with? Are you a ABC person or what? Sarah Vowell has a great essay about it, hilarious and poignant, can't for the life of me find it, but whatever. She is worth the read or listen. I basically know her work from This American Life, so I listened to it.

I do happen to like bands/musicians/singers in almost every genre of music. And I listen to a lot of music, over and over again. I sometimes would just put on song on infinite repeat for an entire day. I never tire of my obsession, until I do, usually the next day, when that particular song was sooooooo yesterday.

When Lucy died, music all but dried up for me. Lyrics are my thing, as a writer, and suddenly every song was overwrought and heartbreaking and seeming to be so fucking sad. Leonard Cohen is a perennial favorite, and yeah, even Suzanne broke my heart. What can I say, I was emotionally fragile. Cell phone commercial gutted me on a good day. I was hollowed out, filled with tears, readying for a piece of music to come along and poke holes in me. Salt water flooding my cd collection.

Still, there were a few things that I listened to over and over again. I loved listening to Tegan and Sara's album the Con when I began painting. It helped that Bea would listen to it without demanding that They Might Be Giant's ABC album get put on, so there is that. My musical choices are often trumped by a toddler. I tried desperately hard to sneak Bikini Kill in, but Beatrice told me that Bikini Kill scared her. Shit. Basically, the only time we would listen to music during the day after Lucy died was when we painted. It became that we either put on Tegan and Sara or Bjork.

Ever notice how dang applicable breakup songs are to babyloss? Shit. Tegan and Sara are amazing. Anyway, I used to ache to hear one of Tegan's songs, and I would put it on, then start it over, just so I could have myself a good tear up. It was like pushing a black and blue. It hurts. I am still alive. It hurts. I am still alive.

Anyway, the lines really have nothing to do with babyloss, but these lines remind me of Lucy and not getting to be her mother.


Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at.
But now we'll never know.
I won't be sad, but in case I go there everyday to make myself feel bad,
There is a chance I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.

The song is Call It Off. Here is the video.