Yeah. Uh. I hate pictures of me now. First of all, I am fat, as well as tired. I have dark circles under my eyes, and floppy, messy hair that is growing out from my nice sleek hair cut of last fall. So, yeah, part of the benefit of being the family photographer is that I can erase all the pictures of me. And I do. As I said, though, I fear for my children not having actual pictures of their mother with them, so I do consent here and there, and just never look at them.
I think there are politics around why someone like me can't stomach (no pun intended) seeing myself at a larger weight. I mean, people think I should not be seen in pictures or bathing suits or in public, and that I am probably not doing enough to lose weight. I try. I do, though like everyone I have weekends like this past one where there are incredible blogger friends and babylost mamas I meet up with and drink a couple glasses of wine and chow down on stinky cheese without nary a thought to calorie count. And that is okay. I try not to self-flagellate all the time in regards to my eating, but yeah, mostly, I do.
There are not just fears that my daughter won't have pictures of us together, but also that she will develop a self-loathing because of my self-loathing, so I try to let her photograph us. Truthfully, I also, in kind moments, think that a round mama is kind of nice too. A soft large bosom to rest a small head. I never ever wanted to be a milf, or something. I don't want to be an object of desire. I am the means to a meal for two kids and a husband. And that my husband thinks I am a wwhwltf is perfect for me. (Can you figure out that acronym?)
At any rate, the wrap-up of this post is that I feel shitty about pictures of myself. Still this afternoon I came home from the bloggy brunch and put on my new Faces of Loss shirt. I bought it last week because I wanted to come out of the closet in my real life, and also donate some money. I actually wish I had opted to put Lucy's name on the back, but it is really a cool shirt. I also really wanted to contribute to the merch in action page on their My Face page. I think Faces of Loss is incredible, and really happy to have shared my story there, and to help spread the love. I also sent in a picture of myself, despite my self-loathing, to the I am the Face project. They are still trying to reach 2,000 faces by October 15th and trying to get videos of people saying "I am the Face of Stillbirth" (or whatever you are), which is Pregnancy Loss and Awareness Day, or as I saw the My Face status update to amend--Baby Death and Grief Day. AT ANY RATE, I also want to mention in this paragraph of links that Jess over at After Iris is a gifted actor and writer and all around amazing artist. Stop by this post on Jess' blog and leave your child's name. She is reading the litany of baby names on October 15th. I know it will be breathtaking, because she has the most incredible voice. Ever. So full of emotion and heartbreak and strength. So go.
Anyway, these pictures, I took today of me with the shirt on. First one is me, and I didn't realize Beezus reading her watercolor book in the background. It is the camera on my computer, so you know, grainy, but still...the second one is of Beezus and me saying the word "Two" for no good reason and the last one is Thor in his monster towel after bath.
And for those of you wondering, I am the twin on top.