Day 8- a photo that makes you angry or sad
Tears are streaming down my face as I start this, because I went through my picture files. Whew. Breathe, Ang. First I checked old ex-boyfriend pictures. Sure, there are a few that piss me off, but it is more of a forced passion of anger. I don't have a picture that makes me angry, but I do have some that make me sad. Of course, I would be remiss to ignore the pictures of my Lucy's birth. I have never shared pictures of my daughter, Lucia. My husband is triggered by seeing them, and so we don't have any in our home, nor have I shared them really. That is out of respect for him and his feelings about it. Sometimes I truly understand the impulse not to take pictures, because the memory of her is so much more clean and idealized than the pictures of her skin peeling. Well, I did share them once with a friend, and it didn't feel safe. It felt downright like being punched in the face. I can't say I don't want to share them. I absolutely do. But I just don't. She looks very dead. I cleaned them up as much as possible in Photoshop, thinking my husband would be okay putting one up if she looked less bruised, but she still looks dead. And he said, "Can't you make her lips less red?" And I had to say, "I already did."
Actually, those aren't even the saddest pictures I have. No. The saddest pictures I have are pictures taken two days before her death, when her movement slowed, I guess. They are pictures of my daughter Beatrice listening to my belly with a stethoscope. I am smiling and my huge stretch-mark scarred belly is being prodded by my 20 month old. If I had gone to the hospital then, when I first feared her movement, maybe she would be here. But after sitting for a while, Lucy shifted or kicked, and I felt relieved. Two days later she was dead and my life was forever steeped in a strong blackness.
Those are the saddest pictures I have ever seen. And I would share them, but maybe it is better if you just imagine it in your head, because the real pictures are a thousand times worse than that.