Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 8- a photo that makes you angry or sad

Day 8- a photo that makes you angry or sad

Tears are streaming down my face as I start this, because I went through my picture files. Whew. Breathe, Ang. First I checked old ex-boyfriend pictures. Sure, there are a few that piss me off, but it is more of a forced passion of anger. I don't have a picture that makes me angry, but I do have some that make me sad. Of course, I would be remiss to ignore the pictures of my Lucy's birth. I have never shared pictures of my daughter, Lucia. My husband is triggered by seeing them, and so we don't have any in our home, nor have I shared them really. That is out of respect for him and his feelings about it. Sometimes I truly understand the impulse not to take pictures, because the memory of her is so much more clean and idealized than the pictures of her skin peeling. Well, I did share them once with a friend, and it didn't feel safe. It felt downright like being punched in the face. I can't say I don't want to share them. I absolutely do. But I just don't. She looks very dead. I cleaned them up as much as possible in Photoshop, thinking my husband would be okay putting one up if she looked less bruised, but she still looks dead. And he said, "Can't you make her lips less red?" And I had to say, "I already did."


Actually, those aren't even the saddest pictures I have. No. The saddest pictures I have are pictures taken two days before her death, when her movement slowed, I guess. They are pictures of my daughter Beatrice listening to my belly with a stethoscope. I am smiling and my huge stretch-mark scarred belly is being prodded by my 20 month old. If I  had gone to the hospital then, when I first feared her movement, maybe she would be here. But after sitting for a while, Lucy shifted or kicked, and I felt relieved. Two days later she was dead and my life was forever steeped in a strong blackness.

Those are the saddest pictures I have ever seen. And I would share them, but maybe it is better if you just imagine it in your head, because the real pictures are a thousand times worse than that.

16 comments:

  1. About 2 or 3 months after Kai died, we were invited to the birthday party of a friend I really like. I vaguely remember being excited about this- we got dressed up, we knew we would like all the guests. And in the end, we actually did have a good time.

    Somewhere in the course of the evening, someone took a picture of the two of us together. It was the first picture anyone had taken of us since everything hit the fan. Someone else liked it so much that it is now on MyFace. When I look at it, here's what I see: split ends, from not having been able to drag myself to get a haircut. A puffy face, both from pregnancy weight and from crying. Pale skin, in spite of the fact that it was the first time I had been wearing makeup in months. This was me on a good day, mind you- I look at it and all I see is grief. Someone who, in spite of every outward indication that she was having a good time, couldn't quite pull it off when you looked at her head on.

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  2. My goodness, yes I can understand. I have shared a sad picture today,but I understand why you have not. x

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  3. When I thought of today, I knew the saddest pictures I had were those of Calla, and I can't do it either. I hear you. another sad set, like yours, were taken professionally the night before she died. Can't quite look at those, either.

    I'm sorry we have these pictures. xo

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  4. Those pictures sound heartbreaking.

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  5. I am so sad we have these pictures too. Ang, I'm sorry. Sorry for that painful walk you took for this post.

    Surely there has to be some ex-boyfriend photos that elicit relief instead of forced anger. Like, oh snap, thank god THAT one didn't work out. I'm thinking of a few in my head right now and its lightening my mood.

    Danielle, I have a similar pic (thankfully one not posted on MF). One taken of me and M on Xmas day, a few weeks after the loss - if you didn't know any better you'd think wow, what a loving happy couple. But the images I see are the ones you see in your own picture. Cried out, puffy, weary, hanging on my a string. Amazing the face we can put on for the rest of the world.

    Feeling a really strong desire to reach through and hug all of you guys this morning.

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  6. I am so with you in my heart on this one. The pain of those photos - the pain of ever having them in the first place. How I wish it was a case of "I don't have a sad picture" rather than "They are too sad to share". xx

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  7. yes, i can understand this. i have tears with you this morning.

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  8. I, for one would look at your pictures. I can't get enough of bearing witness.

    I want so desperately to show people pictures of Juniper. Now, the child was dead inside me for over a week, so I have only ever shown them to a handful of people.

    I show people the ones from my phone, which are poorly lit and blurry. But oh how I want to shake the prints my sister made in faces and scream "this was my BABY!"

    I think it sucks that they are too sad to share. Even with our husbands. It is such a lonely grief this way.

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  9. I can imagine them. And just imagining does make me sad.

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  10. Oh Angie, I understand completely. I also agree with Sadkitty about bearing witness. I still find looking at birth announcements very hard but I can spend ages gazing at images of dead babies. I want to reach through the screen and touch them so gently. One blogger I read described their souls being very close to the surface. I think that's it. Our babies are very beautiful but we fear anyone else failing to recognise that.

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  11. I don't think I will ever share photographs of Georgina for similar reasons.

    I'm sorry that you have such sad photographs. Even reading your description of the photograph with Bea is hard to bear.

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  12. yes, sadly, i have these sets of pictures too.

    ((hugs))

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  13. You know, Angie, I have a picture of Lucy in my head. And she is just beautiful.

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  14. Before my boy I would have been one of those who shuddered at such pictures. Now, I see only beauty.

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  15. I guess I never really asked my husband what he thought about me sharing. I had to reprint every single one. I have 8 x 10's in frames. I need to see his face, and I need others to see his face. I don't know what L thinks. I have been so selfish.

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